Having a child has a way of boomeranging all the issues you had with your parents. Resentments, hurts, fears, traditions, connections, comforts and everything else that makes a family messy are brought to the light when a baby comes. When you are the child of an alcoholic, when your dad walked away because he was mentally unable to provide for you, when said dad is in prison for stealing millions of dollars, forgiveness can seem like an unending road. Just when I feel that I have reached a new level of comfort in the realities of estrangement, something happens that highlights the fact that he is missing. My siblings and I are experts at dealing with this. We all know how to manage the landmine that is a big life event minus a dad. In a lot of ways those are easier than the big life events that are plus a dad. There is less chance of a fight or an awkward encounter.
There was a moment at my wedding, the moment when I should have had the father daughter dance, the moment when my Dad should have been there and he wasn't and than it passed. I am expert in moving passed it, but now that I have my own son it is harder. I have bigger questions. How could you ever walk away from your baby? How could you hold your child in your hands and than leave her behind? How could you not be there for your wife? At two in the morning, when I was screaming and couldn't be settled, when my sisters were cranky and annoyed and my Mom had to go work the work in a few hours, why wasn't he there? Did he not feel that connection? When he held my brother, sister and I did he not have that instant euphoria? How could a bottle be more important than us?
To be honest, these aren't new questions. They are the same questions I have had my whole life, and the truth is there is no answer that will make it better. My Dad doesn't even know the answers. He doesn't understand why he did what he did and he can't change the choices he made. He wasn't equipped to be there for us, and in many ways it was blessing that he left and didn't stay.
Someday I have to find the words to explain this to my son. I will need to find a way to articulate why his Grandpa isn't here. I will be honest with him, but I also will need to find a way to explain to him that his Grandfather is not an evil or horrid person, he is a man who made some bad choices and hurt people, but he also loved us in his own broken way.
The churning mess of family relationships is always rooted in the past. Family trees cast large shadows and we cannot escape them. There isn't a way out of your family. You can be angry, or try to run, you can ignore them and forge ahead, but sooner or later we all have to go back and we all have to take back in the ones who walked away. This is what I have to explain to my son.
No matter what your family does, no matter how broken it feels, no matter how far you fall from grace, or how much somebody hurts you, you will always love them because they are your family. Somehow everyone has to find to work it out and keep moving on, and sometimes someone will choose to walk away and you have to let them go. When you love someone, you want to protect them, you want them to do what you what them to do because that is what you think is best. Usually they won't do what you want, or say what you want, because they aren't you. Families can be painful and brutal, because no one can love you or hurt you more than your family, but they can also be wonderful and marvelous for the same reasons.
I don't know why my Dad the choices he did, and I never will. I will never stop wishing he made different ones and I will certainly encounter other life events that make me ask those questions all over again. However, I have been blessed with not just an amazing immediate family, but I married into a strong, large family that makes up for all my two person eating at a diner slightly sad holidays. My son is overwhelmed with Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. He has a Nana and a Grandma who love him fiercely and most importantly he has a Grandpa who will love him enough for two Grandpas. He will never know that he is missing another Grandpa. He won't have to ask questions, because his Grandpa Lindemann raised a man who will never leave his son. He raised a man who will be there always.
Harrison's Dad loves him enough to be there at two in the morning, and he won't miss big life moments. Everyday he makes choices that are for his son. As we blend our family, as we tie together the branches of our family trees and add our own limbs I will always hold a spot for my own father. I will always dream of the day he magically appears and is the suddenly the perfect Dad, but I will also hold tight to Harrison's dad and everyday I will be thankful for him.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Beyond what you can bear
It seems to be a consistent theme in my life that as soon as I feeling strong about my faith, a bunch of situations test it. My extended family has been dealing with some big issues in the past few weeks and they aren't things that anyone can do anything about besides wait and pray. Waiting and praying is not my thing. I find it to be really, really hard. I want to do and solve and there is nothing I can do and no way I can solve anything.
On the homefront, we have been dealing with the economic realities of being new parents who want/need to provide our child with certain things, but are trapped in the economic conundrums so familiar to so many people our age. My friend Chris, who weirdly seems to be on a similar wave length, articulated this situation much more eloquently than I can. All I can say is that we both became teachers, and this required large loans and doesn't pay enough to cover those loans and life in general. (I am not trying to start a political debate about the economy, political policy, or the issues with teachers, so please don't start the fight.)
What I do want to share is that it often feels as if we are trapped in a hopeless situation. I love my job and I work hard to be the best teacher I can be. However, it seems financially irresponsible to make this the one job I have for the rest of my life. I would really like to become and administrator, but the 25k in additional loans makes me pause. Our monthly payment already exceeds most people's mortgages and I can't see adding to that with the job market the way it is.
Since Harrison's arrival, a lot of well meaning people have asked when we are going to purchase a home. It has never been a priority for us, because it has never seemed financially feasible. We are among the few of our friends who don't own a home, but we are also among the few of our friends who have retirement accounts. Most people we know have to choose between the two. We feel it is important to provide our son with a college savings plan (this way he won't have the same debt) and we can't do both.
99% of the time, I am ok with this. I feel blessed and we have more than we will ever need, but yesterday I had to get on the phone with National Ed. National Ed services some of my grad school loans. They keep selling the management of those loans to subcontractors who have done things such as; send my bills to my inlaws house (I have never lived there), added someonelse's art school loans to my bill, and now sent me to default even though I was in deferment. After a very frustrating phone call, I spent most of yesterday in a quiet panic.
I felt that this situation had made it so that we couldn't get the car we need. National Ed reported me as in default to the credit reporting agencies. They state that they emailed notices, but I have searched up and down and can't find any. They called me one time, on May 29th, and sent one letter. By the end of the conversation, I was able to get them to reverse the default in their system, but they won't take it off the credit report.
As someone whose own father used her identity to do all sorts of awesome things, I am well versed in the obscene amount of time it takes to get these things removed. I was feeling pretty frustrated. I didn't really sleep last night. These are the moments when it feels impossible to have faith, and yet these are the moments when faith matters most.
I have to take deep breaths. God doesn't promise a life of ease and he doesn't promise a lack of pain, but he does promise to be there with us and to help us grow. I am not at a place of peace about all of this, but I do recognize that my problems are small compared to those of some people I love very much. We have jobs and are healthy. We have a place to live and plenty of food.
I have been meditating on James 1:2-4
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."- The Message
This is tough, and I don't like what it says, but growing in faith means facing what we don't like. It means looking at our weaknesses, fears, and faults. I am big wanter. I want bigger and better often, and forget about humility and thankfulness. I still think that God should show his love through giving me what I want, but have avoid thinking about my stewardship of what he has given me. Now may not a season that we can do all we want to do. We may never have that season, but I can make it a season about growing and learning. That is my goal. I think I will start by memorizing the verse.
On the homefront, we have been dealing with the economic realities of being new parents who want/need to provide our child with certain things, but are trapped in the economic conundrums so familiar to so many people our age. My friend Chris, who weirdly seems to be on a similar wave length, articulated this situation much more eloquently than I can. All I can say is that we both became teachers, and this required large loans and doesn't pay enough to cover those loans and life in general. (I am not trying to start a political debate about the economy, political policy, or the issues with teachers, so please don't start the fight.)
What I do want to share is that it often feels as if we are trapped in a hopeless situation. I love my job and I work hard to be the best teacher I can be. However, it seems financially irresponsible to make this the one job I have for the rest of my life. I would really like to become and administrator, but the 25k in additional loans makes me pause. Our monthly payment already exceeds most people's mortgages and I can't see adding to that with the job market the way it is.
Since Harrison's arrival, a lot of well meaning people have asked when we are going to purchase a home. It has never been a priority for us, because it has never seemed financially feasible. We are among the few of our friends who don't own a home, but we are also among the few of our friends who have retirement accounts. Most people we know have to choose between the two. We feel it is important to provide our son with a college savings plan (this way he won't have the same debt) and we can't do both.
99% of the time, I am ok with this. I feel blessed and we have more than we will ever need, but yesterday I had to get on the phone with National Ed. National Ed services some of my grad school loans. They keep selling the management of those loans to subcontractors who have done things such as; send my bills to my inlaws house (I have never lived there), added someonelse's art school loans to my bill, and now sent me to default even though I was in deferment. After a very frustrating phone call, I spent most of yesterday in a quiet panic.
I felt that this situation had made it so that we couldn't get the car we need. National Ed reported me as in default to the credit reporting agencies. They state that they emailed notices, but I have searched up and down and can't find any. They called me one time, on May 29th, and sent one letter. By the end of the conversation, I was able to get them to reverse the default in their system, but they won't take it off the credit report.
As someone whose own father used her identity to do all sorts of awesome things, I am well versed in the obscene amount of time it takes to get these things removed. I was feeling pretty frustrated. I didn't really sleep last night. These are the moments when it feels impossible to have faith, and yet these are the moments when faith matters most.
I have to take deep breaths. God doesn't promise a life of ease and he doesn't promise a lack of pain, but he does promise to be there with us and to help us grow. I am not at a place of peace about all of this, but I do recognize that my problems are small compared to those of some people I love very much. We have jobs and are healthy. We have a place to live and plenty of food.
I have been meditating on James 1:2-4
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."- The Message
This is tough, and I don't like what it says, but growing in faith means facing what we don't like. It means looking at our weaknesses, fears, and faults. I am big wanter. I want bigger and better often, and forget about humility and thankfulness. I still think that God should show his love through giving me what I want, but have avoid thinking about my stewardship of what he has given me. Now may not a season that we can do all we want to do. We may never have that season, but I can make it a season about growing and learning. That is my goal. I think I will start by memorizing the verse.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Faith
My friend Chris Plumb recently started a blog, you can check it out here. He recently wrote a novel and is looking for publishers. The blog is more about his random thoughts, which I find interesting. Please support him. He is stepping out in faith, and believing in his dream. He sat down and wrote a whole novel, which I always think about but would never actually have the discipline to do. He wrote the novel as response to circumstance. He, like so many other talented teachers, hasn't been able to find a permanent teaching position, and turned the negative into a positive by using this time to write.
I am very humbled by the fact he simply decided that he was going to write a book and did it. There are so many things that I want to do, but don't follow through with. It takes a leap of faith to follow your dream and put yourself forward. I have been thinking about faith a lot lately. Soon after Harrison was born, someone wrote me and shared that they saw Harrison as a reward for my faith in God's plan. They felt like I had submitted and therefore received what I wanted. This perspective of my experience bothers me. It makes feel like a economic transaction. I did this, so you owe me this.
At church this week, the message cemented my feelings. Pastor John said over and over again "Faith is not a guarantee that you will receive the outcome you want." This statement reverberated with me. There were many moments in my journey through infertility were I had a "false faith" I said the "right" things and expected God to grant me a baby. It never worked, because God isn't a slot machine. I can't put in a certain amount and win a prize.
"But" I can hear my friend saying, "You did get what you wanted, so there has to be some reward." This is a dangerous way to approach faith. I know, it is how I did it for a majority of my life. I made the "right" choices, I was a good girl, and I expected certain rewards out of it. If I was faithful than God was obligated to provide me with the family I wanted, the husband I wanted, and the future I wanted, when I wanted it. When I was 18 and the boy I "wanted" decided that our plans to go to college and get married weren't want he wanted, I was left feeling cheated. I put in a certain amount. I upheld my end of the bargain and God had let me down. I put God in a box of my expectations.
It took a decade for me to stop dealing with God in this mathematical way. It took a deep challenge that brought me to my knees in order to let God out of the box. For me, faith comes through obedience. I had to slowly work my way up to accepting that I wasn't in control and that my plan was not "the plan". Everyday I have to get up and make a choice to not try to be in control and let God's plan be in place. This is not easy and it isn't my nature, it is an active choice. Sometimes I am successful and a lot of times I fail.
Harrison has been a blessing beyond my imagination. I don't feel that I did anything to deserve or "earn" him. What I did was give up control and commit to whatever life God had planned for me. I admitted that I didn't know everything and that I needed A LOT of help to get through this crazy life.
Faith is a personal experience. Sometimes, like my friend Chris, you need to move forward and take chance, or, like me, you have to stop trying to "make" things happen and wait for God's plan. For me, faith is an active daily choice. What is it for you?
I am very humbled by the fact he simply decided that he was going to write a book and did it. There are so many things that I want to do, but don't follow through with. It takes a leap of faith to follow your dream and put yourself forward. I have been thinking about faith a lot lately. Soon after Harrison was born, someone wrote me and shared that they saw Harrison as a reward for my faith in God's plan. They felt like I had submitted and therefore received what I wanted. This perspective of my experience bothers me. It makes feel like a economic transaction. I did this, so you owe me this.
At church this week, the message cemented my feelings. Pastor John said over and over again "Faith is not a guarantee that you will receive the outcome you want." This statement reverberated with me. There were many moments in my journey through infertility were I had a "false faith" I said the "right" things and expected God to grant me a baby. It never worked, because God isn't a slot machine. I can't put in a certain amount and win a prize.
"But" I can hear my friend saying, "You did get what you wanted, so there has to be some reward." This is a dangerous way to approach faith. I know, it is how I did it for a majority of my life. I made the "right" choices, I was a good girl, and I expected certain rewards out of it. If I was faithful than God was obligated to provide me with the family I wanted, the husband I wanted, and the future I wanted, when I wanted it. When I was 18 and the boy I "wanted" decided that our plans to go to college and get married weren't want he wanted, I was left feeling cheated. I put in a certain amount. I upheld my end of the bargain and God had let me down. I put God in a box of my expectations.
It took a decade for me to stop dealing with God in this mathematical way. It took a deep challenge that brought me to my knees in order to let God out of the box. For me, faith comes through obedience. I had to slowly work my way up to accepting that I wasn't in control and that my plan was not "the plan". Everyday I have to get up and make a choice to not try to be in control and let God's plan be in place. This is not easy and it isn't my nature, it is an active choice. Sometimes I am successful and a lot of times I fail.
Harrison has been a blessing beyond my imagination. I don't feel that I did anything to deserve or "earn" him. What I did was give up control and commit to whatever life God had planned for me. I admitted that I didn't know everything and that I needed A LOT of help to get through this crazy life.
Faith is a personal experience. Sometimes, like my friend Chris, you need to move forward and take chance, or, like me, you have to stop trying to "make" things happen and wait for God's plan. For me, faith is an active daily choice. What is it for you?
Friday, June 22, 2012
Breast Feeding
Breast feeding is hard. I know it is tough for everyone, but I was unprepared for the sheer time and energy that would go into feeding my child. Before I had Harrison, I tried to be as educated and prepared as possible. I knew that everyone I am related to had issues with breastfeeding and I had long conversations with my doctor about their issues. I also attended La Leche meetings and got a lot of good tips there. I thought I was prepared for what would go into this, but I was so not.
My milk did not come in right away, and our consultation with the lactation consultant was depressing. She essentially told me that because I had issues getting pregnant I would have issues breast feeding. Justin and I left that appointment feeling very confused and defeated. Since then, we have worked things out, but I still don't make enough milk to be Harrison' sole source of food.
In the past three weeks, I have heard from so many other women who have had the same issues and have been very supportive. They make me feel better. I felt an intense pressure to solely breast feed and felt like I was already failing as a mom when I couldn't exclusively do it. Justin, my mom, my sister, and almost every other woman I have spoken to about this have assured me that I am not a failure and that lots of babies have formula supplement and grow up to be healthy and happy.
Their assurances helped, but whenever I use a bottle in public I feel like I have to explain why. Why do I feel so much pressure about this? I am feeding him at the breast and pumping. He is healthy and fine, but I still feel as if I am not doing enough. I have thought about this a lot in the past few days and for me, that pressure comes from the reading and research I did while pregnant. I read Mayim Bialik's book Beyond the Sling, and I really liked a lot of her ideas. I also spent a lot of time reading La Leche League literature and really listening at meetings.
I have come to the conclusion that I was not being very realistic about who I am and what my life is like. I am not someone who is going to sit on a couch and breastfeed non-stop. That would make me crazy. I have come to appreciate the fact that Justin can feed Harrison, and that that allows me to continue to do work during the summer and earn some extra money. The hard lesson that I have learned, and thankfully heard from multiple people (including a lovely note from Leslie) is that I have to do what works for me and my family and not worry about what other people think.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
Breast feeding is still hard. I have be conscience about consuming enough food to keep my milk supply up, and today we started removing dairy to see if that helped Harrison feel better. However, we still have a happy and healthy baby and we are slowly learning how to be parents. It is going to be ok.
My milk did not come in right away, and our consultation with the lactation consultant was depressing. She essentially told me that because I had issues getting pregnant I would have issues breast feeding. Justin and I left that appointment feeling very confused and defeated. Since then, we have worked things out, but I still don't make enough milk to be Harrison' sole source of food.
In the past three weeks, I have heard from so many other women who have had the same issues and have been very supportive. They make me feel better. I felt an intense pressure to solely breast feed and felt like I was already failing as a mom when I couldn't exclusively do it. Justin, my mom, my sister, and almost every other woman I have spoken to about this have assured me that I am not a failure and that lots of babies have formula supplement and grow up to be healthy and happy.
Their assurances helped, but whenever I use a bottle in public I feel like I have to explain why. Why do I feel so much pressure about this? I am feeding him at the breast and pumping. He is healthy and fine, but I still feel as if I am not doing enough. I have thought about this a lot in the past few days and for me, that pressure comes from the reading and research I did while pregnant. I read Mayim Bialik's book Beyond the Sling, and I really liked a lot of her ideas. I also spent a lot of time reading La Leche League literature and really listening at meetings.
I have come to the conclusion that I was not being very realistic about who I am and what my life is like. I am not someone who is going to sit on a couch and breastfeed non-stop. That would make me crazy. I have come to appreciate the fact that Justin can feed Harrison, and that that allows me to continue to do work during the summer and earn some extra money. The hard lesson that I have learned, and thankfully heard from multiple people (including a lovely note from Leslie) is that I have to do what works for me and my family and not worry about what other people think.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
Breast feeding is still hard. I have be conscience about consuming enough food to keep my milk supply up, and today we started removing dairy to see if that helped Harrison feel better. However, we still have a happy and healthy baby and we are slowly learning how to be parents. It is going to be ok.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Thoughts on being a new Mom
Tomorrow Harrison will be two weeks old. I don't remember much about the past two weeks. It has all gone by in a blur. I am happy to report that he is gaining weight, 9 ozs in one week, and that I am healing and finally feeling like a real human being. (not taking Vicodin anymore helped with this big time) We are settling into a bit of a routine and I not always scared that I will break him at any moment. We are finally ready for visitors and getting out and about.
My sister Wednesday has been here for the weekend. She bought her ticket to be here for Harrison's birth, but since he showed up early she was able to hang out with him. They have had time to bond and Harrison and his cousin Gabby were able to hang out. It was a fun weekend.
I am amazed at how quickly the days go by. For just eating and sleeping, this little man seems to take a lot of time. This could be due to mild sleep deprivation and my constant desire to want to hold and cuddle my little man.
I did go to the store alone today, and it was nice but I also couldn't wait to get home. Justin and I keep trying to remember what our lives were like before Harrison came, and it is tough to remember. A few days ago, my Mom watched him while we ran to Target. It was the first time we had been in the car alone since we drove to the hospital. We felt like we were lost and missing something. Who were those people who didn't have a baby? It is amazing how quickly your life can change. We are tired, we are deliriously happy, and we still are unable to fathom this amazing miracle that we have been granted.
My sister Wednesday has been here for the weekend. She bought her ticket to be here for Harrison's birth, but since he showed up early she was able to hang out with him. They have had time to bond and Harrison and his cousin Gabby were able to hang out. It was a fun weekend.
I am amazed at how quickly the days go by. For just eating and sleeping, this little man seems to take a lot of time. This could be due to mild sleep deprivation and my constant desire to want to hold and cuddle my little man.
I did go to the store alone today, and it was nice but I also couldn't wait to get home. Justin and I keep trying to remember what our lives were like before Harrison came, and it is tough to remember. A few days ago, my Mom watched him while we ran to Target. It was the first time we had been in the car alone since we drove to the hospital. We felt like we were lost and missing something. Who were those people who didn't have a baby? It is amazing how quickly your life can change. We are tired, we are deliriously happy, and we still are unable to fathom this amazing miracle that we have been granted.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Circumcision
Harry was circumcised today. Having him circumcised was important for religious and personal reasons, but it didn't make it easy. No new mom wants to listen to her baby scream and know that someone is hurting him. He did have a ton of sucrose to put him in a coma like state, but he still cried. I went to wait in the waiting room, but couldn't handle it and had to back in the room. His Dad was a champ and stayed with him the whole time. I couldn't wait for it to be over and to take him out to the car and breastfeed him to calm him down. Coming home and changing the first diaper was brutal. I truly believe we did the right thing, but I hate to see my baby cry.
He is currently sleeping, and seems to be ok. The doctor was quick and said he came through like a champ. I have a million knots in my neck and whenever he cries about anything I want to cry too. The good part of our visit to the doctor was that he has gained 3oz in 3 days and I am clearly making more milk. I think we almost have this feeding thing solved. This Mama had a rough day. I think I will snuggle up with my little man and try to make us both feel better.
He is currently sleeping, and seems to be ok. The doctor was quick and said he came through like a champ. I have a million knots in my neck and whenever he cries about anything I want to cry too. The good part of our visit to the doctor was that he has gained 3oz in 3 days and I am clearly making more milk. I think we almost have this feeding thing solved. This Mama had a rough day. I think I will snuggle up with my little man and try to make us both feel better.
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