Sunday, February 19, 2012

So much on my mind

It has been a month since my last blog post. I have started several blogs in that time, but I haven't been able to articulate all the things I am thinking or struggling with. Sometimes you need to pause and consider before you can express. Also, I have been so tired that I haven't had the energy to blog. I get through the work day, hang on until dinner and then head to bed. Here are some things that have been happening or I have been pondering.

1. Work: For the past five years, my identity has been bound to being a teacher. I work hard long hours to be the best teacher I can be. Despite never teaching the same thing, I am comfortable with where I am. However, I feel a shift coming. My job as I know it is changing. Partly by personal choice, we have decided that I will be part time next year and finish my administrators license, and part is just about district need and teaching assignments. I don't know what my job will be next year and I am strangely okay with it.

2. This week my worst fear came true. Since Ashley left us, I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I got rid of her when I found out I was pregnant. Someone finally said this to me and instead of it being the knife wrenching wound I thought it would be, it was not a very big deal. I heard what this person said, and I instantly thought, but that isn't true, you don't know the whole story and I am not obligated to tell you. My husband and I were faced with a tough choice that required us to consider what was best for two children, and ultimately Ashley's fate wasn't ours to determine, DHS did that. I was just thankful that God gave me peace about this.

3. I am obsessed with my unborn son. I apologize if I overwhelm you with baby talk, but he is all I can think about. I am so excited for him to just get here. My world revolves around him and his health, and so many things that were important before have just faded, and things that never mattered have came rushing to the forefront.

4.  Daycare has become this expensive huge scary issue. Leaving my son with anyone is a big deal and factoring in the cost of infant care is staggering. I think we have a solution, but this is such an expensive and important decision. I have struggled with whether staying at home should just be what I do, but I don't really want to stay home full time and I think it would be worst for my family then figuring this out. There are still things I want to do and those things have the potential to bring my family some financial comfort, but I still feel guilty and unsure. What if I make the wrong decision? What if working part time doesn't work, or somehow we can't get enough money? I know this isn't new territory for any family, but it some scary stuff.

5. My husband is hilarious. I know he doesn't think that I still think he is funny, but I would be a much bigger stress case if he wasn't around to make me laugh. He is amazing.

6. We still have so much work to do to the house to get ready for Junior. It is overwhelming.

7. I have had a stuffy nose for months and am just tired of it. I am generally tired. I didn't think I could ever be this tired. I feel bad because I am not the teacher I normally am. Sometimes I just have to sit. I don't have the energy to give my students what I have in the past and that is a struggle.

This is small sample of what I am thinking about, but I am so happy and thankful and I keep returning to Jeremiah 29:11. God's plan has amazed over and over again.