Plans

I write a lot of blogs about plans. I am currently keeping two blogs, one for work and this one, and both seem to revolve around me planning something and then having to be reminded to give up and let go. When I am stressed or emotional, I crave control. When I am anxious and feeling depressed, I crave control. When I am frightened, I crave control. Is anyone else noticing a theme?

On this journey towards motherhood, I have fought my control freak self several times. Every time I think I have it under control, it comes back in another form. This is the "thorn in my flesh". I have struggled in the past two weeks to let go of what I think my life should be, or what I think others expect my life to be, and to embrace that God is still shaping my life.

Every time I give in and let go of my plan, good things happen. I do not always understand how they happen, and they have not always come in a pain free form, but I can look back and honestly tell you that every tear, heartache, plan, and reality has been for good.

A year before I started this blog, I begin to keep a prayer journal. I was in the darkest depths of my infertility journey and, like Hannah and Sarah, I literally had nowhere else to turn. I have recently reread some of those passages, and I am shocked at how much healing and hope has been given to me in the past few years.  It also reminded me of what an amazing miracle my pregnancy is.

It is easy to forget that I am currently experiencing a miracle. It is easy to press forward and embrace the worry and stress of everyday life without stopping to be thankful. At this moment, a thousand miles away, my sister in law is working on bringing the miracle of our new niece or nephew into the world. Birth is surrounded by clinical and political decrees and procedures, and at times I think we forget how incredible it is. By the end of the day, a new Lindemann will be with us, forever knitted into the fabric of our family, and a representation of the miracle that was Nick finding Sophie.

When I look at the world this way, it easy to see how God blesses me each and every day. Every time my son moves, when he kicks because he hears his dad, or the precious moment when I hear his heart beating, should a moment of thankfulness. However, I so often get caught up in the pursuits of what I envision success to be that I actually forget to be thankful.

For the past month, I have been struggling with who I am within my job and how I will reach my career goals with a child. I have been very concerned about what the world will think of my decisions and the "type of woman" I will be. Once again, a very patient God showed up and gave me some very clear and can't be missed guidance. PSU has not given me enough aid to be able to afford doing an admin program next year. The numbers don't add up, and there is no way for me to do the program without putting my family in financial stress.

Part of this made me angry, and then I realized that in my plan to be an administrator, I had once again forged ahead without waiting for God's plan or God's timing.  I make the same mistake time and time again, even though I know that waiting for God's plan has always proven to be the better choice.

I hope that my parenting will have one speck of the patience, forgiveness, and infinite love that has been shown for my stubborn self. I spent a lot of time during this break being overwhelmed by the blessings and kindness that have been poured out on to us. So, for the thousandth time, my new plan is to have no plan and to once again go back to Jeremiah 29:11.  Maybe this time I will do a little bit better.

Bigger things than this

I have been super focused on work for the past month. I have had a lot to do, and I am working on a project that I feel overwhelming passionate about and what to see be successful. I have been pushing hard to get things done and have had this desire to show that being pregnant doesn't mean that I can't do my job. In some strange ways I have pushed myself harder then normal in an effort to prove I can handle it. I haven't wanted to be the person who can't do it all, in fact not doing it all feels a bit like giving in to something.

At the same time, this stage of my pregnancy has been looming out in front of me. Six years ago, my best friend was around this stage when she developed preclampsia and was forced to have an emergency c-section. Miraculously she and her daughter were ok, and Lily has grown up to have no complications and to be a charming, funny, and wonderful child.  At the time all of this happened, I was sympathetic and scared for my friend. It was such a huge life or death situation that it was the first time I realized we were really adults. However, I don't think I truly could comprehend the fear involved until I hit the same stage of my pregnancy.

In the back of my mind, I have been holding this stage of my pregnancy as a marker. Almost a talisman, let me get to here and I will start to feel better.  You would think that someone who is mildly holding their breath would accept that listening to her body is important, and they would willingly embrace the limitations that their bodies may need. Somehow I missed that point.

I have felt like I had a sinus infection for about two weeks, but I have kept passing it off as a stuffy nose, because I had stuff I wanted to get done and things I felt responsible for.  I felt tired, I felt a little run down, students pointed out that I looked tired, co-workers told me to get sleep, but I just didn't want to give in to it.
Until, Thursday night when I woke up sick and proceeded to vomit for hours. I slept on Friday and decided I was good on Saturday, and yesterday I started throwing up and couldn't stop. Justin drew the line and told me to stay home. Today I went to the doctor, where I discovered that my fever was higher than I thought, my sinus infection was worse than I thought, and my blood pressure was little too high.

Blood pressure is one of those huge pregnancy things, and a direct symptom of preclampsia, and having my doctor stop and speak to me about it made me pause.  I have been ordered to relax, get better and not go to work. My first instinct was to fight it. I need to go to work. I have things to do, and it isn't good for my students to not have consistency. Then a small voice came into my head and reminded me that I have bigger things in my life then my classroom. Not that I don't care about the classroom, but my son is a bigger deal than my job.

I think all pregnant women must come to this point. The point where you have to let go of the life you had before and embrace what your life will be. My job is still important, but Junior is the most important thing in our life. Today I had to take a deep breath and let go of the part of me that wants to excel at everything. Last night, Justin sat me down and reminded me that at the moment my  job, above all else, is to give our child a safe place to grow and get ready to come into the world.  I didn't like hearing it, but it was true. So, I am going to let go, slow down and make sure Junior gets here safe. This seems like such a simple thing, but it has taken me a long time to learn it.

Under Pressure

This past week was full of big stressful parenting decisions. Well, one big stressful parenting decision, what will I do with my job when Junior arrives? This was impossible. No matter which way we went I felt like I was being a bad parent, and there were a lot of things out of my control. We have to make a certain amount of money in order to provide a home for our son. I had an opportunity to take a permanent part time job, but it was truly meant to permanent and is funded through a program that the federal government may or may not maintain.  The thought of being laid off with a one year old was not pleasant, I choose to keep my current position.

By staying as a full time teacher, and deciding to continue pursuing my admin I am not going to be at home with my son. I want to be a good mom, but I am also invested and committed to my career. This past week the thought of doing both well has seemed overwhelming, daunting, and simply impossible. What if he is sick or hurt and I can't be there? What if I miss a smile or laugh? How can I leave him behind and focus on teaching? On the other hand, I would miss my job if I left it. What if I stayed at home and resented my son for it? If my working means we can pay the bills, then I don't really have choice in the matter do I?

I am not the first or last mother to wrestle with these issues. One of the reasons I choose to be a teacher was because it was a family friendly career. I am very blessed to be supported by my family and my job. My mother is willing to watch Junior and my district is letting me take my leave in the form of half days for the first semester. Hopefully, Justin can work part time for the second semester and we can figure it out from there.

Time is slipping by, and more big decisions are coming. I am not worried about being perfect, no one is, but I am aware that this feeling of being torn in two may not go away for awhile. At the moment, I just want a healthy and happy baby boy, and we can figure out the rest as we go.