This past week was full of big stressful parenting decisions. Well, one big stressful parenting decision, what will I do with my job when Junior arrives? This was impossible. No matter which way we went I felt like I was being a bad parent, and there were a lot of things out of my control. We have to make a certain amount of money in order to provide a home for our son. I had an opportunity to take a permanent part time job, but it was truly meant to permanent and is funded through a program that the federal government may or may not maintain. The thought of being laid off with a one year old was not pleasant, I choose to keep my current position.
By staying as a full time teacher, and deciding to continue pursuing my admin I am not going to be at home with my son. I want to be a good mom, but I am also invested and committed to my career. This past week the thought of doing both well has seemed overwhelming, daunting, and simply impossible. What if he is sick or hurt and I can't be there? What if I miss a smile or laugh? How can I leave him behind and focus on teaching? On the other hand, I would miss my job if I left it. What if I stayed at home and resented my son for it? If my working means we can pay the bills, then I don't really have choice in the matter do I?
I am not the first or last mother to wrestle with these issues. One of the reasons I choose to be a teacher was because it was a family friendly career. I am very blessed to be supported by my family and my job. My mother is willing to watch Junior and my district is letting me take my leave in the form of half days for the first semester. Hopefully, Justin can work part time for the second semester and we can figure it out from there.
Time is slipping by, and more big decisions are coming. I am not worried about being perfect, no one is, but I am aware that this feeling of being torn in two may not go away for awhile. At the moment, I just want a healthy and happy baby boy, and we can figure out the rest as we go.