I write a lot of blogs about plans. I am currently keeping two blogs, one for work and this one, and both seem to revolve around me planning something and then having to be reminded to give up and let go. When I am stressed or emotional, I crave control. When I am anxious and feeling depressed, I crave control. When I am frightened, I crave control. Is anyone else noticing a theme?
On this journey towards motherhood, I have fought my control freak self several times. Every time I think I have it under control, it comes back in another form. This is the "thorn in my flesh". I have struggled in the past two weeks to let go of what I think my life should be, or what I think others expect my life to be, and to embrace that God is still shaping my life.
Every time I give in and let go of my plan, good things happen. I do not always understand how they happen, and they have not always come in a pain free form, but I can look back and honestly tell you that every tear, heartache, plan, and reality has been for good.
A year before I started this blog, I begin to keep a prayer journal. I was in the darkest depths of my infertility journey and, like Hannah and Sarah, I literally had nowhere else to turn. I have recently reread some of those passages, and I am shocked at how much healing and hope has been given to me in the past few years. It also reminded me of what an amazing miracle my pregnancy is.
It is easy to forget that I am currently experiencing a miracle. It is easy to press forward and embrace the worry and stress of everyday life without stopping to be thankful. At this moment, a thousand miles away, my sister in law is working on bringing the miracle of our new niece or nephew into the world. Birth is surrounded by clinical and political decrees and procedures, and at times I think we forget how incredible it is. By the end of the day, a new Lindemann will be with us, forever knitted into the fabric of our family, and a representation of the miracle that was Nick finding Sophie.
When I look at the world this way, it easy to see how God blesses me each and every day. Every time my son moves, when he kicks because he hears his dad, or the precious moment when I hear his heart beating, should a moment of thankfulness. However, I so often get caught up in the pursuits of what I envision success to be that I actually forget to be thankful.
For the past month, I have been struggling with who I am within my job and how I will reach my career goals with a child. I have been very concerned about what the world will think of my decisions and the "type of woman" I will be. Once again, a very patient God showed up and gave me some very clear and can't be missed guidance. PSU has not given me enough aid to be able to afford doing an admin program next year. The numbers don't add up, and there is no way for me to do the program without putting my family in financial stress.
Part of this made me angry, and then I realized that in my plan to be an administrator, I had once again forged ahead without waiting for God's plan or God's timing. I make the same mistake time and time again, even though I know that waiting for God's plan has always proven to be the better choice.
I hope that my parenting will have one speck of the patience, forgiveness, and infinite love that has been shown for my stubborn self. I spent a lot of time during this break being overwhelmed by the blessings and kindness that have been poured out on to us. So, for the thousandth time, my new plan is to have no plan and to once again go back to Jeremiah 29:11. Maybe this time I will do a little bit better.