Friday, June 22, 2012

Breast Feeding

Breast feeding is hard. I know it is tough for everyone, but I was unprepared for the sheer time and energy that would go into feeding my child. Before I had Harrison, I tried to be as educated and prepared as possible. I knew that everyone I am related to had issues with breastfeeding and I had long conversations with my doctor about their issues. I also attended La Leche meetings and got a lot of good tips there. I thought I was prepared for what would go into this, but I was so not.

My milk did not come in right away, and our consultation with the lactation consultant was depressing. She essentially told me that because I had issues getting pregnant I would have issues breast feeding. Justin and I left that appointment feeling very confused and defeated. Since then, we have worked things out, but I still don't make enough milk to be Harrison' sole source of food.

In the past three weeks, I have heard from so many other women who have had the same issues and have been very supportive. They make me feel better. I felt an intense pressure to solely breast feed and felt like I was already failing as a mom when I couldn't exclusively do it. Justin, my mom, my sister, and almost every other woman I have spoken to about this have assured me that I am not a failure and that lots of babies have formula supplement and grow up to be healthy and happy.

Their assurances helped, but whenever I use a bottle in public I feel like I have to explain why.  Why do I feel so much pressure about this? I am feeding him at the breast and pumping. He is healthy and fine, but I still feel as if I am not doing enough. I have thought about this a lot in the past few days and for me, that pressure comes from the reading and research I did while pregnant. I read Mayim Bialik's book Beyond the Sling, and I really liked a lot of her ideas. I also spent a lot of time reading La Leche League literature and really listening at meetings.

I have come to the conclusion that I was not being very realistic about who I am and what my life is like. I am not someone who is going to sit on a couch and breastfeed non-stop.  That would make me crazy. I have come to appreciate the fact that Justin can feed  Harrison, and that that allows me to continue to do work during the summer and earn some extra money. The hard lesson that I have learned, and thankfully heard from multiple people (including a lovely note from Leslie) is that I have to do what works for me and my family and not worry about what other people think.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

Breast feeding is still hard. I have be conscience about consuming enough food to keep my milk supply  up, and today we started removing dairy to see if that helped Harrison feel better. However, we still have a happy and healthy baby and we are slowly learning how to be parents. It is going to be ok.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Thoughts on being a new Mom

Tomorrow Harrison will be two weeks old. I don't remember much about the past two weeks. It has all gone by in a blur. I am happy to report that he is gaining weight, 9 ozs in one week, and that I am healing and finally feeling like a real human being. (not taking Vicodin anymore helped with this big time) We are settling into a bit of a routine and I not always scared that I will break him at any moment. We are finally ready for visitors and getting out and about.
My sister Wednesday has been here for the weekend. She bought her ticket to be here for Harrison's birth, but since he showed up early she was able to hang out with him. They have had time to bond and Harrison and his cousin Gabby were able to hang out. It was a fun weekend.
I am amazed at how quickly the days go by. For just eating and sleeping, this little man seems to take a lot of time. This could be due to mild sleep deprivation and my constant desire to want to hold and cuddle my little man.
I did go to the store alone today, and it was nice but I also couldn't wait to get home. Justin and I keep trying to remember what our lives were like before Harrison came, and it is tough to remember. A few days ago, my Mom watched him while we ran to Target. It was the first time we had been in the car alone since we drove to the hospital. We felt like we were lost and missing something. Who were those people who didn't have a baby? It is amazing how quickly your life can change. We are tired, we are deliriously happy, and we still are unable to fathom this amazing miracle that we have been granted.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


Harry was circumcised today. Having him circumcised was important for religious and personal reasons, but it didn't make it easy. No new mom wants to listen to her baby scream and know that someone is hurting him. He did have a ton of sucrose to put him in a coma like state, but he still cried. I went to wait in the waiting room, but couldn't handle it and had to back in the room. His Dad was a champ and stayed with him the whole time. I couldn't wait for it to be over and to take him out to the car and breastfeed him to calm him down.  Coming home and changing the first diaper was brutal. I truly believe we did the right thing, but I hate to see my baby cry.

He is currently sleeping, and seems to be ok. The doctor was quick and said he came through like a champ. I have a million knots in my neck and whenever he cries about anything I want to cry too. The good part of our visit to the doctor was that he has gained 3oz in 3 days and I am clearly making more milk. I think we almost have this feeding thing solved. This Mama had a rough day. I think I will snuggle up with my little man and try to make us both feel better.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Harrison Glen Lindemann

A week ago, I was blessed with a miracle. My son Harrison Glen Lindemann came into the world.
I began this blog almost two years ago, it was my way of processing the pain of infertility. I am in awe that I am writing an entry that is all about actually giving birth to a healthy happy baby.

Last night, Harrison and I were rocking and I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the blessing of being able to be his mother. I just sat in the chair and cried. I couldn't really pray. All I could do was say "Thank You" over and over again. I do not deserve this blessing, there is nothing I did to make it possible. Harrison's existence, is the work of God.

Throughout my pregnancy, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who expressed love, support and true happiness for us. One of the most amazing things about getting pregnant in God's time, and not mine, is that we had a built in support system. The amount of love that people expressed for my unborn son was overwhelming. Thank You for hanging in there with us, celebrating with us and supporting us.

Bringing Harry into the world was tough, but somehow I never realized how tough. When we got to the hospital, we discovered the dreaded anemia had returned and my hemoglobin levels were dropping. Now I know how serious things were, but at the time I  never truly realized it. When the doctor says that they will make sure your blood is on hand, it means something, but I was somehow never stressed. At several points, my contractions actually stopped and they weren't sure that Harry was going to be able to get out. They were prepping a C-section room for me, but when the doctor came in and saw that Harry wasn't in any distress, and was doing fine. She let us try for a bit longer, and thankfully he came.

Now I know that Justin was updating on facebook, and I am so thankful for the support and love that was shared. There is nothing like bringing a baby into a world where he is so loved and wanted. My recovery has been slow, and there have been issues with feeding, but I continue to amazed by the miracle of son that we have been given.

This blog was supposed to be much more articulate, but I don't have a way of articulating the wonder and awe I feel at this moment.  In spite of myself, in spite of my positive and negative choices, in spite of the fact that I have done nothing in my life to deserve this, I have been blessed with the gift of the most beautiful baby boy. As overwhelmed and frightening this week has been, it has also been the best week of my life.  Thank you for supporting us, and going on this journey with us. We can't wait to see what happens next.