As a couple ages and becomes parents, those simple gestures become much more difficult and much more important. Justin shows his love for me by letting me sleep in on Saturday or picking up the crying child. I try to keep our home functioning and our child happy, so that he can work -12-20 hour days- and not have to stress out about home. As a new Mom, it is challenge to also be an attentive and loving wife.
I don't want my husband to feel that our son has replaced my need for him or become more important to me than my marriage. Obviously, being Harrison' Mom is an answer to a deep and longing prayer. It has changed my entire view of the world. Everything is different, how I look at things, how I spend my time, how I approach my career, familial relationships, friendships, and yes, my marriage.
Becoming a mother has made my marriage even more precious than it was before. I feel as if it is this fragile thing that I must protect. We aren't having marital problems and somehow a lack of sleep has made us more in love than we ever before, but added responsibilities, extra financial stress, and constant exhaustion can make finding the time to have an real conversation difficult.
I am constantly struggling to find a way to connect to Justin, not just as the mother of his son, but as his wife. This can be hard. Harrison is in the center of our universe. From that moment, one year ago today, that we discovered he was coming our focus has been on him. I am proud and happy that we are thoughtful about our parenting. Coming up with family traditions, enjoying watching our son discover the world, and working through parenting trials have brought us closer, but these cannot be the only way we reach out to one another.
For the past month, I have consciously been focusing on ways to appreciate Justin as a husband. I am looking for ways to celebrate him beyond the amazing father he is. This can be hard, not because Justin doesn't have qualities worth celebrating, but because life is stressful and hectic and I am tired and overwhelmed. It is in those moments that I remember the verses from our wedding: "Love is patient,love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, " Corinthians 13:4-7.
I am trying to take each quality of love and work on it. Patience is tough and exhaustion makes kindness a constant choice. I have to think about how I speak to my husband. Too often I am harsh or unbecoming in my words, too often I pick little fights based on small annoyances and don't stop to remember that my job and purpose is to love this man.
For the past few weeks, I feel that God has put this issue on my heart to remind me that I need His guidance and love in order to be able to offer that same unconditional love and grace to my husband. My Grandmother told me that true marriage happens when you love your husband when it is difficult. At that moment, you are choosing to pour out love and feed your relationship instead of pouring out anger or resentment and hurting it. She and my Grandpa were married for over sixty years, so she must have known what she was talking about.
I am a work in progress, but I am determined to pour love into my marriage. From the moment I fell in love in with him, Justin has been my home. If the rest of the world fell away and I was left with just he and Harrison I would still be blessed beyond my imagination. Each day, I am working on remembering that and reflecting it in my actions, and fortunately for me my husband considers getting pizza to be one of the most romantic things I can do for him :)