Monday, March 12, 2012

Bigger things than this

I have been super focused on work for the past month. I have had a lot to do, and I am working on a project that I feel overwhelming passionate about and what to see be successful. I have been pushing hard to get things done and have had this desire to show that being pregnant doesn't mean that I can't do my job. In some strange ways I have pushed myself harder then normal in an effort to prove I can handle it. I haven't wanted to be the person who can't do it all, in fact not doing it all feels a bit like giving in to something.

At the same time, this stage of my pregnancy has been looming out in front of me. Six years ago, my best friend was around this stage when she developed preclampsia and was forced to have an emergency c-section. Miraculously she and her daughter were ok, and Lily has grown up to have no complications and to be a charming, funny, and wonderful child.  At the time all of this happened, I was sympathetic and scared for my friend. It was such a huge life or death situation that it was the first time I realized we were really adults. However, I don't think I truly could comprehend the fear involved until I hit the same stage of my pregnancy.

In the back of my mind, I have been holding this stage of my pregnancy as a marker. Almost a talisman, let me get to here and I will start to feel better.  You would think that someone who is mildly holding their breath would accept that listening to her body is important, and they would willingly embrace the limitations that their bodies may need. Somehow I missed that point.

I have felt like I had a sinus infection for about two weeks, but I have kept passing it off as a stuffy nose, because I had stuff I wanted to get done and things I felt responsible for.  I felt tired, I felt a little run down, students pointed out that I looked tired, co-workers told me to get sleep, but I just didn't want to give in to it.
Until, Thursday night when I woke up sick and proceeded to vomit for hours. I slept on Friday and decided I was good on Saturday, and yesterday I started throwing up and couldn't stop. Justin drew the line and told me to stay home. Today I went to the doctor, where I discovered that my fever was higher than I thought, my sinus infection was worse than I thought, and my blood pressure was little too high.

Blood pressure is one of those huge pregnancy things, and a direct symptom of preclampsia, and having my doctor stop and speak to me about it made me pause.  I have been ordered to relax, get better and not go to work. My first instinct was to fight it. I need to go to work. I have things to do, and it isn't good for my students to not have consistency. Then a small voice came into my head and reminded me that I have bigger things in my life then my classroom. Not that I don't care about the classroom, but my son is a bigger deal than my job.

I think all pregnant women must come to this point. The point where you have to let go of the life you had before and embrace what your life will be. My job is still important, but Junior is the most important thing in our life. Today I had to take a deep breath and let go of the part of me that wants to excel at everything. Last night, Justin sat me down and reminded me that at the moment my  job, above all else, is to give our child a safe place to grow and get ready to come into the world.  I didn't like hearing it, but it was true. So, I am going to let go, slow down and make sure Junior gets here safe. This seems like such a simple thing, but it has taken me a long time to learn it.

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