Do you ever feel as if you got it all together and planned out and then suddenly you are reminded that you don't control anything and it may not be worth planning? This would describe the fall for me. I keep thinking that I have it under control, that I know where I am going with work, life, home, etc and then boom, there is change. Tonight at church, I realized that a major lesson is being pounded into my stubborn head. God keeps saying, "let go and let me be in control" and I keep clutching at straws.
I am not implying that making plans is bad. To the contrary, it is the responsible thing to do. However, I tend to want to carve my plans into stone and that is not good. Being open to what God can bless you with is an amazing place to be. Me being pregnant is a total and complete miracle. It throws all of my plans out of whack, it threw the plans I thought I had out whack, and yet I have never been so happy about having so little control.
At the moment, it often feels as if I don't even control my body. It is as if my very being has ceded control to this growing miracle. I like food I never liked before, I cry at things I never cried at, I want to sleep more, and on Wednesday I woke up with a totally different body shape. However, all of it feels like an amazing adventure. I will happy cede control if the end result is a healthy and happy baby.
This past week I was in Fresno for a training. I was the only classroom teacher in the room. Everyone else was curriculum director for their state, in charge of literacy for their large urban district, and overall much more qualified, experienced and generally older than I am. It was beyond intimidating. I felt overwhelmed and out place. I had no idea why my district would send me or how I could possibly make it work, but I did. In fact, I held my own, I had to work harder than I have since Dr. Sil's Philosophy of History class, but I held my own and received a certification. I also found a new mentor in the trainer, a woman who is at the top of curriculum and instruction field in the country. I left Fresno feeling like I have more options in my career than I ever thought possible.
I can rigidly grasp at my plan, but the past few months have shown me that I really should focus on today. I can think I know what is going to happen, but I need to remind myself that God's plan will always super cede mine. The past few months have been some of the most emotionally trying of my life, and yet my marriage is stronger, my faith is deeper, and our baby is on it's way. I am living proof of the power of Jeremiah 29:11. I am being prospered in spite of myself, not because of myself, and I so thankful for the powerful love that has honored me with such undeserved blessing.
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