Sunday, September 2, 2012

Oy Vey! The Guilt!

I returned to work this week. I love my job and am one of those fortunate people who get to do something that makes them happy. Each new year I am excited to meet my students, reconnect with families and begin the cycle again. This year has the added challenge of leaving my little man behind. He couldn't have a better place to go than Nanny's. My Mom recently retired and spent last week adoring Harrison in a way that only a Grandma can. This knowledge makes me feel secure, but I still feel guilty, or maybe just sad.

Most of the time that I am work I am fine. Partly because I no longer have time to dally. I want to get my work done so I can home and not think about it, but there were many long meetings this week. Long meetings gave me time to think about Harrison and wonder what he was doing right then. I know that I am feeling what thousands of Mom's before me have felt, but it was still a big adjustment. Add to that a moment where someone almost walked in on me breastfeeding and you have a mildly stressful week.....

It is a struggle to balance work, home, baby and family. Both of our families have had some big issues this summer and Justin and I are struggling to come to terms with the fact that we can't control what others do and even if we disagree with, or in some cases are appalled by, the decisions being made they aren't our decisions to make. This has its own version of guilt. Do you swoop in and say exactly how you feel and cause estrangement with that person? Or do you go along with them and try to be supportive? We are currently in a strange middle ground of mostly not saying anything.  Neither of us are happy here, but we both don't know what to say.

When you are watching someone you love slip away, in fact choose to go, and the situation is testing the very bonds of your family how can it be ok to step back? And yet, that is what I feel God is saying to do. Step back, don't try to control others. Currently no one is in danger and everyone is an adult. I may not understand it, but for the moment I have to accept it.  I will keep praying, and we will keep hoping that it all works out in the end........

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