Sometimes it is really hard to power through. My iron was down so low that I had to drink an infusion on Tuesday. This means that I constantly feel like taking a nap, or sleeping all day, or just staying in bed for the rest of my life. Exhaustion is a hard battle, and knowing that your exhaustion is a lingering side effect of losing your baby is harder. Taking a step backwards in your body's healing the same month that said baby was due feels impossible.
It is as if my body knows that we should be preparing for a baby to arrive on Halloween, and is doing its best to act like it is as tired as someone who is nine months pregnant. Overall, this was a rough week. I wanted to give up, I wanted to be upset and mad, I wanted to wallow in my own sorrow, but God challenged me to be more loving. To increase my giving, to reach out to more students, to pray for those I am struggling to forgive, to offer grace to those hurt me, to bring love into each moment of my day.
When I am exhausted, I do not feel like being loving. I feel like being crabby. I feel like shutting down. I feel like I don't want to do what I am being called to do, but God is showing me that the only way to spiritually mature and do what He is calling me to do is to lean on Him. I am tired, but if I am willing He will give me the energy I need. If I say "yes God", He will rejuvenate and revive me. If I say, I can't do it without you, then He says "I wouldn't want you too".
Here in the month of October, the time I have dreaded since June. The due date that never was and the son who isn't coming grief and bitterness could overwhelm my heart and soul, but God is calling me to love. He is telling me to reach out my husband daily, to send messages of hope, to take an extra minute with that student and encourage that coworker. He is telling me to create an environment of hope for my students, and to tell my Mama how much I am thankful for her. He is taking a time that could be dark and selfish and showing me that the only way to heal is through love.
"Beloved, lets us love one another, for love is of God and anyone who loveth is born of God and knoweth God, he that loveth not, knoweth not God for God is love" 1 John 4:7 God is love. God is my only path to healing and He is love. It is a love that I as a human and incapable of on my own. My physical exhaustion alone would make me too cranky to want to love anyone.
Love and heal. Feeling bitter and tired? Find someone to pour love on. Angry and exhausted? Seek out a person to uplift. Confused and sad? Take a moment to pray for someone you know is struggling. Feeling alone and grieved? Connect with your husband and son. Practicing love is keeping me from shrinking into a bitter shrewish person. It isn't easy. In fact it is impossible. I can only do it through Christ who strengthens me, and whose love is greater than I can fathom. Please pray for me to continue to turn to love and reject bitterness. Pray for strength and healing. Pray for peace and contentment. Pray that those who interact with me will see Christ's love. Pray that I will continue to grow and learn. Please pray. I will pray for you too.