Sunday, January 4, 2015

Having it together

I have spend a chunk of the past few days watching Friends. I love Friends. Watching it has reminded me of several things; how glamorous it was in high school, how easy it was to relate to in college and how little of life I still have figured out. That is the appeal of the show. These six 20 somethings live a glamorous life and attempt to "get it together".  Twenty years ago, I would watch and imagine how I would have it together. I would review my life plan and smugly check boxes. I knew where I was a going.

Ten years ago I was coming out of three years of working nothing jobs and trying to decide what I wanted to be. I was applying to Masters programs, Justin and I were finally moving towards something serious and I was happy to have a semblance of a plan.

Now, I am married, teaching, a mother and at the age where I have to dye my hair to cover the gray, but I still have yet to get a solid plan. I have attempted plans. I had beautiful ones. A year ago, I was one month from discovering I was pregnant with our second child. One month from feeling that our family would be completed. One month from feeling as if the perfect plan was unfolding in front of me.

That plan didn't work. None of my plans have worked. Whether I am 16, 26 or 36, my plans don't work. In spite of my anxiety, my deep discussions, my research, my imaginings, my reading intos, my goal setting, my plans don't work. I do not have it together. 16 year old me thought she did, 26 year old me thought everyone else but her did, 36 year old me is happy to raise my hand and say I am winging it.

I don't want it to seem that I am irresponsible. I do plan schedules, college tuition, retirement, life insurance and other big deal things. Justin and I have certain life goals, but as for where our family will be next year, well I would say we are winging it. I am happy to stay in my job, my house and my friend group. It is a pretty great life. However, I also long to stay home with my little man. The hardest part of going back to work is leaving him. I have a great job, but 100 14 year olds are not Harrison. Staying home would be a great life too.

I don't know if we will have other children, or how they will come to our family. I don't know if it will be time for Justin to consider administration, or continue teaching. I don't know what my job will look like. 16 year old me would be shocked at how much I don't know.

God has spent this break helping me see that it is ok not to have it together, because He does. He knows where we are going. He knows what will happen. It may be no change, it may be small change and it may be a big change. I don't know. Psalm 27:14 says "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

The words "wait" and "patiently" are my mortal enemies. I don't do either thing well, so I am asking God to do it for me. To help me learn the discipline that is required to stop planning and start living His plan. This is big, because it means that I have stop focusing on me and my wants.  My focus has to shift to God. He even comes before my wants for my husband and son. That is hard.

This break, I have wrestled with God. Big things were pulled out and shown to me. Large arguments occurred and I did not want to submit. I didn't want to say that I may not know what is best for me. I don't want to say that, but by slowly submitting and learning to put myself second, I am seeing that my anxiety and stress level is greatly reduced. I still struggle. The thought of waiting patiently FREAKS me out, and I am scared that in two weeks I will have to go through all of this again. I am a slow learner.

Are  you a planner? Or did you once have a plan? Is it getting between you and God? Are there things you desire that are creating a road block in your spiritual growth? Are you in the midst of a wrestling match? 16, 26, 36, 46, 56, 66, 76 or 86, we are all winging it. Join me in working on waiting patiently. I could use the encouragement and would love to encourage you.

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