I wanted to take a moment to explain my actions, and I thought doing it here may help others in similar situations. You may have noticed that I tend to shut down when you discuss your upcoming gender ultrasound. Or maybe you have seen me turn my head and begin a new conversation in the midst of you sharing your excitement at such and important day. I must seem so rude and selfish to you.
I was the last of us to discuss gender ultrasounds, and you were always interested and excited, but I can't discuss yours. The mere thought of it makes me dizzy. I am suddenly back in a small room going from joy to terror in seconds. My heart is racing, my world is spinning and I can't breath.
I am terrified. I belong to a club that I don't want anyone to join. I now know that good can become bad, and I do not want someone I care for to share that knowledge. Please know that I am praying. That I am happy for you. That when your baby comes I will hold him or her and be happy for your family, but for this moment. For this thing, I can't.
Other moments, when people discuss the terror of getting pregnant again, or tell me that I don't know hard it is with two kids, those I can get through. Those I can breath through, but this is too big.
I may not always be this woman. God is working on me. No matter what, you are in my prayers and I do want to know if you are having a boy or girl. I do want to celebrate with you, but it will take time and I am thankful for your patience.