Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Hope and Terror

One year ago today, my life changed in a matter of seconds.  Literally seconds. I went from the highest high to depths. The week that followed is a nightmarish blur and the grief still comes, yet here I am one year later sitting in a doctors office waiting to check on a baby, again.

I am terrified. That would describe this pregnancy. Terror. Constant fear and anxiety. I have lost the ability to believe that "it will all be alright." I no longer take a healthy baby for granted. I know that each moment her heart beats is a gift.

This doesn't mean I don't dream and plan. It doesn't mean I don't get butterflies of excitement. Just now they are tempered with loss. As I much I already love this little girl, as amazing of a miracle she is, as perfect as she will be for our family. She is not her brother. She will not fill the hole left by his loss. She has made her own place in my heart.

This week. The one year anniversary has come to me by surprise. I would reschedule my appointment, but we have today is the day for Spinal Bifida. Today, I sit in a doctors office and I hold two of my children in my heart.

My son has taught me that no matter what the future holds for my daughter, God will see me through it. My daughter has taught that there is unexpected joy after incomprehensible grief. They both show me how little I know about life and motherhood.

There will be other milestones, more tears of sadness and joy. I will take more breaths and pray more prayers. Today however, today I have been in long talks with God. His plan never ceases to amaze me, and His love and grace never cease to uphold me.

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