Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Waiting Room

It has been awhile since I wrote. We enjoyed a lovely vacation on Lake Shasta and have been running around figuring out our jobs, seeing family, and running errands. I am always amazed at how fast the summer can go by. I have struggled the past week. A lot of it has to do with summer doldrums. I feel like I am waiting for everything at the moment. Do to some personnel changes at work, I do not know what I will be teaching next year. I am happy to have a job, but hate not knowing what will happen. Now that I have finished my pre reqs, I am waiting to find out if I am in PSU's admin program. Than there is the big wait, waiting for our child.

I am not a patient person. I hate waiting. This is a control issue. Waiting means I am not in charge and have to depend on others to make decisions that will affect me. In some ways this makes me want to scream, and in others this is the reality of life. Being a control freak, I struggle to have faith that things will work out. My human nature is to turn to anxiety and worry. To imagine all the negatives and picture the ways it won't work. My spiritual challenge is to ignore that instinct and have faith that God has a plan and it is the best one. I have found myself reciting Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Prosper means "to thrive or succeed in a healthy way." God has plans for me to succeed in a healthy way. A way that will enrich me and make me a better person. It makes me think of working out. I hate working out, it hurts. I am sweaty, my body doesn't want to cooperate, my coordination is lacking and during the workout I am very angry. It feels like the workout is going to harm me, when it is actually going to make me healthier. Over the past year, I have very slowly lost 40 pounds. I average a half pound to a pound a week. It was excruciating and often I didn't notice the weight loss, but when I was DC I could run with my students and I never had a day where I thought I couldn't go on. I had prospered even when I felt harmed.

That is a bit of how I have to look at my current life. I can't control anything and it is all working to help me have a better life.  This is hardest to embrace with adoption, because I am so excited. I am an expectant mom without a due date. I want to buy things and decorate and count down. Instead we live in a weird "what if" limbo. It can feel as if it will never happen and we will always be childless. I know this isn't true, but there are days when that feeling is hard to shake.

In the waiting, we are trying to focus on ourselves. How we communicate with each other and our families and healing old wounds. Paying down bills and balancing the budget. We are preparing for the moment with excitement and fear. I am elated and terrified at the thought of being a mother. My impression is that everyone feels that way.

Our social worker has suggested that we consider being respite care providers. This means that we would take children for a week or two to give their foster families a break. She feels that this will help convince a panel that we are ready to be parents. The largest thing that will prevent us from being chosen is the fact that we don't have children and aren't currently parents. Providing respite will give us chance to show that we have experience. We haven't decided whether or not we will do it. We are going to ask questions and seek guidance. More waiting, but another opportunity to practice faith and not anxiety :)

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