The toughest thing about our entire journey through infertility has been uncertainty. There have been hundreds times when we didn't know what the right answer was, because we were overwhelmed by what ifs? We pushed on, we had faith, we kept running the race. When we took Ashley into our home, it was the hope that she would be our forever child. We were only foster parents, we made no promises to anyone, but it would be a lie to say that we didn't this child to be our child. It was so hard to pray for God's plan while in my mind planning for forever. She settled in and seemed happy and things felt good. I was sure this had to be God's plan.
In the past two weeks, I have been reminded that God's plan can be so different and much more awesome than we are able to imagine. Three weeks ago, I called Jill to complain about the fact that I just kept feeling nauseated and tired. She suggested a pregnancy test and I thought I should take one to not have to pay for it at the doctor's office when they wanted to figure what weird virus I had. That night a positive sign appeared. Justin and I were in shock, the next morning a second positive sign sent me to the Dr.'s where they confirmed that we will be having a baby in June. This is such and overwhelming miracle that I am not sure that I have fully processed the epic blessing we have received. I really relate to Sara and Abraham.
My amazement at this miracle has been tinged with stress at the question "what about Ashley?" Around the time that we discovered we were pregnant, her behaviors escalated dramatically. Mornings have become intense. She argumentative and angry. We haven't told her about the baby, because we don't know how she will react. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, I have ping ponged from the highest mountain of joy, to the lowest depths of despair. As her behavior has escalated, our inquiries, through our social worker and my intense "Micheal Lomas do what I tell you" voice, led to the discovery that DHS, and her social workers, failed to inform or openly lied to us to us about several things.
I have spent the past 24 hours being very angry, sad, guilty, frustrated, and generally feeling like a failure. The fact that we are pregnant disqualifies us from being an adoption option for Ashley, she needs to be an only child, however I am not even sure that we can be a foster resource to get her to adoption, because I am not sure that we are equipped to deal with all of her issues. That isn't true, I know that I am not equipped to deal with her issues. I am frustrated that we were honest about what we could handle and were lied to and put in this position.
Juxtapose this with constant wonder at somehow becoming pregnant with no fertility drugs and no major effort and combine it with pregnancy hormones and I have been a nutcase for the past 48 hours. My friend Gabrielle talked me down last night and gave me some very wise words that I have clung to today. My Mom reminded that Ashley is ultimately God's child and no matter what I do, I clearly cannot comprehend the wondrous plans he may have for her.
This is very wise and offers hope, but it doesn't change the fact that there is a part of me that feels awful for not being what I hoped I could be for this girl. I would never not want this baby, or regret being pregnant, but I feel like I should be able to do it all, gracefully, without complaining. I have to let go. I have to admit that I cannot do all I think I should be able to. I have to admit that I cannot handle this child's issues and that I have failed at taking care of her. That breaks my heart.
I feel as if I let all the people who have supported us through this time down. So many people were rooting for us, and I am pained at the thought of having to tell them that it isn't going to work out. I am thankful for all the love and support that we have received and I am so sorry that I can't do it. Even as I write this I know it sounds silly, but this blog is about me being honest and at the moment I am simultaneously still amazed that I am pregnant and feeling like such a failure.