Today I experienced a part of parenting a child who has experienced extreme trauma that I knew was possible, but never realistically considered seeing. I don't want to go into the details of what happened, but I was genuinely frightened and I had no logical concept of how to deal with situation. It was purely God intervening and getting me through it. When I got to work, I locked the door to my room, kept the lights off and sat at my desk and cried. I had such sorrow for this child and was so scared about what else could happen. A chat with some coworkers who have experience with difficult children, a long email to my husband, and a phone call to our social worker got me through my day.
Our social worker rearranged her entire schedule in order to be able to come over and speak with us this evening. That is how awesome she is. She listened and assured me that I wasn't overacting and then mapped out a plan. By the time she left, I felt like we weren't alone and that things were going to be ok. In the past few weeks, I have been learning that I thought was the plan, is far from the plan. Maybe my job isn't to plan, but to do my best to get through today.
God truly cares for this child and I have faith that no matter what happens in the future, He holds her in the palm of his hand. This is hard, but to be honest nothing about this has been easy. I feel like parts of me are being ripped open and brought out. This is a painful process, but in the end it will be for my good. Today, I had to stop and say "God, I am scared and powerless and out of ideas". I had to get out of the way. I had to keep stopping and handing my anxiety off to him.
I am still scared, I am still hurt, and there is a huge part of me that feels like a failure. I hate not excelling and exceeding at things, and I truly hate admitting when things are too hard for me to handle. Friends, the truth is, there is a lot going on at the moment that I am struggling to handle. There is a lot about the reality of this child's life that overwhelms and horrifies and frightens me, and when I admit that, I feel like a selfish awful person. I am a selfish awful person. God makes me a better person, but only if I willing to submit to his plan and put my plan aside. Psalm 139 says "You have searched me and you know me." God knows the ugliest, darkest parts of me and He loves me anyway. I clung to this today. I am still clinging a little tonight.