Nothing says anxiety like being awake at 1 in the morning. Here I am. I don't even know why. Well, I have some ideas. On my mantle there is a heart shaped reminder of my little man, and tonight I am a sad that he isn't here for the holidays.
It is strange how grief comes and goes. I am healing. The pounding pain of heartache has faded. I am at a point where the possibility of other children is something I can consider. I can feel happy for those who are expecting. I am part of the world again.
Unless, well, unless I am doing my job and the travesties of selfish parents who throw away their children are before me. Unless, I am worrying about children who will forever be effected by a parent who is not safe for them to be with. Unless, I am confronted with the sad truth that some people are not sane enough to have children. Then I struggle.
One, I am a child of someone who made all of these choices. I know what abandonment feels like. Little me cried out wondering why her Daddy wasn't there. I am aware of what it means to have a selfish parent whose reality is warped and concept of the truth is every changing. Even now, at 36, there are moments when I wish my Dad was a healthy normal man who could be here. Part of you never figures it out.
Two, I firmly believe that every child deserves love, safety and support. Yes, my Dad wasn't there, but my Mom was. My Grandparents were. I was unaware of so much, because they chose to shelter me. My basic needs were met. I was allowed to be a child. Every kid deserves that.
I am wrestling with God about this. Why He allows this to happen? Why does He allow a society that values the lives a vapid celebrities over the lives of its children? How can he claim to be about love and let these things happen?
I am not a perfect mother. I lose my temper. My frustrations show. I turn on the TV more than I should, and am not always "present". Oh, but I love my little boy. His very presence brings me joy. Even when I am my wits end and he is crying it out in his room, I am thankful for him. I pray for him, I cook for him, I clean for him, I work to provide for him, most of our decisions are hinged on what is best for him.
Even with Teddy, our one directive to doctors was to do what was best for him. What would keep him from pain, and give him a death of dignity and peace was always the correct path to choose. So, why? Why do others get to be parents and I lost my child? Why are others allowed to hurt their children? How can this be a good plan?
Here we are. I have a choice. Be bitter and keep questioning, or give praise and keep praying. As I say to my 8th graders, fair is not equal and what you need is not the same as what they need. Parenting is hard. You can't give your child everything they want. Harry would eat popcorn all day and night. Yet, I know that will end badly for him. I know he needs a balanced diet to grow and be ready for the future. I don't like seeing him cry, but if I give him all he wants he will be unprepared for life.
God is doing the same thing to me. Shaping and preparing me for what is ahead. He isn't giving me what I want when I want it, and I am crying. I am the two year old. Faith is trusting that He knows that I will move past this stage. I don't want to remain a spiritual toddler. I want to grow in His love and His peace.
This means I have to acknowledge my pain and frustration and express the desires of my heart, but it also means that if those desires are never fulfilled, I will be content and grateful. That I will let go of my desires and begin to seek God's desire for me. Clearly, He has put children on my heart. How can I show love to the unloved? How can help those who feel abandoned? How can I ensure that my home and classroom are centers of generosity, compassion, and peace?
You see, I am still wrestling. However, I recognize that God's decisions are about what is best for me. Everything He does in my life is about that. It isn't about what I think is best, or how I don't understand His plan. It is about obedience. It is about listening. It is about stillness. It is about growing up.
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." I am still working on seeking Him first. Putting Him before everything else. Being willing to move forward and listen, follow and obey. This is hard. Pray for me. I will pray for you.