Tonight, I cried in front of our tree. My Father in Law makes special ornaments with your name in gold letters. Receiving one is a sign that you are family. Last summer he presented us with Theodore's ornament. It was first on the tree tonight, and I cried in Justin's arms after placing it.
It hurt, but it also made him real. When you never hold your child and lose them, it can be hard to see them as real. I am thankful to my Father in Law for this precious gift of bring my son close. Even though Teddy is gone, he still choose to be his Grandpa. This blessed Justin and I with the ability to include both our sons in the holiday. We don't often get to act like we have two sons.
Tonight, I sat by the Christmas tree and mourned my baby. I am crying now. This is what loss is like now, it comes in small moments. God is doing big things in these moments. He is showing me how much He loves me, and reminding me that I am called to love. The best way to honor my son is by choosing love.
I believe that we will be called to lovingly parent more children. I know that God has moved mountains to allow love and healing fill our extended family. I continue to have faith that God's love is all I need. Tonight I cried, but in that moment I was comforted. I am not alone, and no matter how large my greif is, God's love is bigger.
Whatever your moments are about, His love is bigger. He can do great things in when we are not able to do them ourselves. I don't know what the plan is, but I can't wait to see it