Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Cloak of Crankiness

I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I love the books and the lessons they hold. I adore the complete and magical world that Rowling has created and I love how magic often comes down to personal choices. For the past three days, I have chosen to cloak myself with crankiness. At least, that is how it feels. I came home from DC tired and stressed out, started class, and caught a cold. Instead of facing these challenges with a grace and paitence, I chose to put on the cloak of crankiness. I wrapped myself in petty anger. I was angry with the people on the road. Annoyed with the people who work at PSU and cranky and short with my husband. 
Crankiness is a choice. It is a choice to embrace petty annoyances and focus on me. The cloak of crankiness and shawl of selfishness are zipped together. I am annoyed and cranky because I am focused on me. I want the world to change or slow down or stop because I am tired and sick and stressed out.
I faced some big convictions related to this this morning. Convictions suck. In the moment were God speaks to your heart and points out the thing getting in the way of your spiritual growth there is a lot of shame. Why can't I be more paitent? Or give my stress up to God? Why am I being shrewish to my hubby when he is the first person I should show paitent love to? Ugh. Moments like this can threaten to make me want to give up. Stamp failure on my forehead, I can't do it.
Not being able to do it is the point. The three days I spent wrapped in the cloak of crankiness were also three days when I didn't do my devotions. I was trying to go through life on my own instead of leaning on God for help and wisdom. Funny how not checking in with God led me to be cranky and selfish. My heart was centered on me instead of God. When I foucus on him, I am aware that this life is about more than me.
Luckily God doesn't see failure, he sees me as I will be on the other side of the struggle. Made perfect by his grace, adoroned in the garment of grace and a true refelction of selfless love. I have my whole life to get there one small step at a time.

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