Wednesday, October 12, 2011

So what? I'm still a rockstar....

There is so much that I want to be writing about right now, and yet I have NO time. I actually pause at moments in the day and think "that would be a good thing to blog about". This means I have ten sticky notes and no blogs. The last two weeks have been killer, not for any one reason, but for a myriad of intricate connecting stressors. The biggest of these being that I never got back in my devotions groove after we got back from Wisconsin. This is not a good. It is amazing how quickly we slip away from the things that keep us connected to God. This is a time when we really and truly need some God attention.

I know that all parents live in a world of "what ifs?" and "we don't knows", but we don't even know if the child we are parenting will be our child. Without giving away too much, all I can say is that our social worker came over tonight essentially to tell us the truth and to bring light to somethings that we had been left out of some of our conversations with other people. I was releived to see her, and even though she didn't say what I wanted her to, I was thankful to have someone who is honest and wise. She didn't have to come and spend time making sure we had a true picture of al that was happening, but she did and I am so grateful for that.

Today I was reminded that we are living on God's timeline, not ours. Whatever my plan is doesn't matter, God's plan will work to the good of all people involved. I am a weak person, who is easily defated by small whispers of unfaithful thoughts. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own head and become concerned with my feelings and my issues. This is such an icky way to be.

This morning I spent some quality devotion time asking for forgiveness and resubmitting my life, family, job and future to God's plan. It is so easy to be led astray and sucked in by all the things that the world brings at you. I am ashamed to say that while we have been working on one of the biggest changes in our lives, I have not been turning to God for guidance.

I slipped right back into my "control it" mode. I read a lot, I speak in a knowing manner. I sound so self assured and confident. I seem so with it, but inside there is a part that is so scared of making the wrong choice it can't let go. There is a part of me that is elated and a part of me that is resentful to the bchange in my life. How can all of this ever make sense?

I need to put all of it in God's hands and turn on the "let it go" mode. This is easier said than done, but I feel like today I made small progress. Hopefully some honest prayer and petition will enable to sleep through a night. The future is not my concern, how I am going to embrace God's love and plan today is my concern. It is time to get my faith back and leave my selfishness behind.

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