The night before we lost Teddy, I spent a long time praying. I cried out for a miracle, I cried out for comfort, I just cried. I was terrified of what the dawn would bring. I could not imagine life on the other side. In my nightmare, the loss of my baby led to a bitter and selfish woman who pushed everyone away. I was afraid for my sanity, my marriage and my ability to parent Harrison. I knew that I was too weak for any of it. On my own I was guaranteed to fail, so I cried out and God heard my prayer.
From the moment I cried out to him my terror stopped. There was plenty of sorrow and pain, but I knew that God was with me. Psalm 16:10 says "You will not abandon me to the realm of the dead." I was carried through the worst day of my life, because God the Father had to turn away and watch his own child die on the Cross.
The night before that terrible day, Jesus also spent a long time praying. He cried out for miracle, for comfort and he cried. Though He was surrounded by those who loved Him, there was no one to comfort him. No one to carry him. In order for me to be comforted, He had to face his worst day alone. In order for me to feel safe, He had to be unsafe. In order for me to find peace, He had to face the world without the love of His Father.
In the worst moments, where my heart breaks and I can't breathe, I am not alone. Christ faced the ultimate pain, so that my pain may less. I did not want my child to die. I hate that it happened. However, I find comfort in the fact that God knows what it is to lose a child. I find peace in the fact that Christ's pain made it possible for my child to endure no pain. I find hope in the fact that I was so loved that God willingly gave His one and only Son that I may not have to experience the loss of my child alone and broken, but can look forward to the day when we meet again at the foot of the Cross.
Everyone has a great burden. Illness, money stress, job stress, life stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, the list of pain is seems never ending. It is hard to let go of a burden. Pain is a safe and easy home to live in. There the expectations are clear. Once you begin to leave pain behind and trust in the never ending love that Christ offers things are no longer in your control. Placing your future in God's hands is scary. It is difficult, and it takes constant prayer and submission.
The fact is, He wants your burdens. He sacrificed His one and only Son for the right to carry your burdens. He lost his child to gain our burdens of pain. What an incomprehensible act of love! What an amazing gift! Don't throw it away. Don't hold onto to pain and bitterness and ignore this glorious gift of grace. Honor the fact that a Father lost a Son. Turn to the Cross, and give up the burden. I will be standing here with you, just as weak, just as broken, just as amazed and just as loved.