Today I ran. I didn't run fast, and I didn't run far. I just ran. I ran to move. I ran to get back in shape. I ran to feel like I controlled something again. I ran.
Today we went to mortuary to arrange to have Teddy cremated. I have never been in a mortuary before. I have never answered questions about cremation before. I never picked out an urn before. What type of urn? Has his body been released? Don't worry, we will take good care of him. We are so sorry. If there is more than can fit in the urn, we will provide them to you. We won't throw them away. I like the names you have chosen for your children. I felt within and without of my body. Terrified, devastated and relieved to finally control where he will be and what will happen to him. I know Teddy is happy in heaven, but it was torture to take care of his earthly body. I never thought I would be doing this for my child.
We have been on a journey towards and into parenthood for 4 years. For 4 years we have dealt with infertility, and adoption, fostering, the miracle known as Harrison, the second miracle known as Theodore, Ancephaly and his death. For 4 years, my body has been discussed, analyzed, medicated, the home of a growing child, the food for a child, more medications, more hormones, once again the home for a growing child, forced to bring that child into the world too early, the maker of unwanted milk and once again on medications. For 4 years this has not been my body. It has been a thing. Sometimes I have hated it. Other times I have loved it. I have never once felt in control of it.
I control nothing. The future is not set, and there are many unanswered questions in my life. Whether there will be more children? Whether there won't be? What our normal is now? How we move on? What my job will be? How I can prioritize my family and let go of work stress? How I will ever feel 100% percent happy again? I control nothing.
In some ways that is good. I don't need to control everything. I need to learn to let go and have faith that God will take care of tomorrow. I need to not live in fear, but in hope. I need Jesus to take control, because I don't have what it takes. I don't have the strength to get through this. I am exhausted. I feel old. I feel like I don't fit in my skin. I am a bit lost.
Because of this, I ran. For a half an hour, I was in control. My body was mine again. It was hot. I thought I couldn't do it, but I ran. I ran until I was numb. Past when the app said to stop and I was feeling sick, I still ran. When I was done, I took a cold shower and cried in locker room. I didn't cry at the mortuary. I needed to run to stop feeling numb. I am running towards healing. I am running towards a new normal. I am running the race set before me looking unto the author and finisher of my faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is not set down at the right hand of God.
I am enduring my own cross and running helps. Ultimately I am running to be able to run a 5k around Teddy's due date. We decided it was best way for us to honor him. Some people have asked to run with us. When we pick a race, we would be happy to share that day with you. Until then, I will keep running.