A moment

It isn't very often that I stop to think about how much good is happening in my life, and I am thankful that yesterday was a moment to stop and remind myself that there is a lot of good going on. Yesterday, my Mom was thankful that all of her children, and grandchildren, had jobs. In a way this is almost a sad thing to thankful for, but it is a true reflection of the times. Justin and I both have good jobs that have good benefits and some security.  The sheer fact that I get to teach is a plus. There are folks who went through my program that didn't ever find that teaching job, and they were better teachers than I am. In this current economy, I have encountered so many people who are literally hanging on by a thread, and yet politicians on both sides of the aisle continue to bicker over idiotic details in order to pander to their extreme right or left wing pundits.

The current economic climate has led to a political climate that I find exhausting, poisonous, and disturbing. As someone who makes a living teaching 14 year olds about how our government works and what it means to be a citizen, I am often embarrassed by what the adults demonstrate as citizenship to them. Have we really become a country that is unable to enter into a respectful political debate that is based on fact on mannerly discourse? Are we really to going to villanize those who vote the opposite of us? Or determine that because someone has a different belief system from ours that they are uneducated or too educated?

In light of the holiday season, can we just take a moment and recognize that we are all people who are deserving of common courtesy and respect? Can we refuse support those who thrive on creating a negative debate based on half truths and character slanders? Can we enter into honest discussions about issues that effect us all? May I suggest that each person who is planning on voting, take a minute and read the Constitution?

Understanding the powers of each branch, the five purposes of government, and what the Constitution actually says is key to being an informed citizen. It makes spotting propaganda much easier. Speaking of propaganda, can we turn off the major news sources? Can we refuse to listen to those who make a living by sensationalizing mundane facts? With the spirit of the holiday season, which is sure to be followed by an obnoxious and overbearing Presidential race, find someone who you know has the opposite political beliefs as you do and offer to listen. Really listen, ask them to really listen to you. Look for what you have in common. You both want the regular guy to be supported, you are both concerned about the power of corporations, maybe you have different solutions, but you aren't that different.

I am not asking for a dyed in the wool dem to become a tea party member or vice versa, but I am asking for us to collectively refuse to buy into this idea that because we vote differently we must be enemies. I want my students, and my future child, to grow up in country where we elect officials because we truly understand what they stand for and who they are. I want those who are fear mongers and hate spreaders to suddenly become unpopular. I want common citizens to have honest discussions about what their communities need and hold their reps responsible for it. When we are busy yelling at one another, it becomes so much easier for them to not serve the people. Please, let's reclaim our country by reclaiming our sanity.

Wrestling with the demon

Being a control freak,  I am obsessive about failure. How have I failed? How am I going to fail? What may make me fail? This is a big side effect of struggling with an anxiety disorder. In the past few years, I have improved at my failure freakouts. I have learned to calm down and let go, and not attach life or death stakes to each and every decision. The past few weeks I have backslid in my progress. A combination of hormones, extreme emotions, and an unusual situation have led me to question a lot.

I have been angry about the Ashley situation and felt as if God was toying with me.  It took me years to get to a place where I was peacful about not being able to have a baby and felt right about adoption. It felt as if just when I reached that point, I got pregnant. I am in no way unhappy about being pregnant, but I have struggled with the timing, and the consequences. I have spent the past week wrestling with a sense of anger, fear of failure, and anxiety over making all the wrong choices.

Today I came to place where I could let Ashley go. I just sort of laid it all out there. My anger, and fear and sense of betrayal. How I worried about her and hope beyond hope that her time with us was for the positive and not the negative. Next I laid out my fears about pregnancy and motherhood and messing up. Finally, I came home and discussed all of this with my husband.

He reminded me that we are going to be ok and that I have a tendency to freak out about things we are ok with. Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been overwhelmed with worry about how we would find a place to live, where we should live, how I didn't want to move while pregnant, how no place would be as cozy as my condo. How I want one more summer to put the baby in the stroller and walk downtown, but I felt like the "grownup" thing to do was to run out and find a new place to live.  After a long chat with Justin, we have decided to stay in our condo and I am so happy about it. I love it here and I just wasn't ready to take on moving on top of everything else.

Justin also reminded  me that I had told him I would leave the decision to move up to him. I came to this decision, because I can let anxiety build up until I push both of us to do things that maybe aren't the most prudent financial moves. Living here longer is better for us financially and we both like it, so why am I freaking out?

I think when Ashley left, I was desperate to make a new start. To cleanse all of the emotion and stress away by moving out of it. (somewhere my sisters are shaking their heads) Creating more stress, doesn't help cleanse old stress. Since some quality prayer time, a long chat with Justin, and deciding to stay home. I just feel better.

Now I can focus on the holidays!

Reflections

It is hard to explain all the things that I have been thinking or feeling the past few days. The best word I can come up is "peace".  I have a great peace about the fact that DHS chose to move Ashley to a home that fit her family wish list. We knew that she would be moved, but we did expect a bit more than twenty-four hours notice. When our caseworker first called to say that she would be moved the next day, my first instinct was to say "no, let's wait. It is too much, too fast.", but just as fast as I thought that another voice told me to trust. I got off the phone, we broke the news to Ashley, who was actually excited, and both of us felt better. Thursday was stressful, I had to take the day off and get her packed, and she had obvious anxiety at the fact that she was moving. The day went by in a blur and somehow we were standing in parking garage, waving goodbye. It still feels weird that she isn't here. It is like we are missing something, but it feels peaceful.

This entire process has made me realize that not only do I not control what is going to happen, and has shown me the amazing support system that we have somehow stumbled into. The entire staff at Lyle was amazing to Ashley in her whole tenure their. Their friendly open support helped her to become more successful at school than she had ever been before. Thanks to Trenda, she finally liked PE. Terri Dodge was the "the first teacher who liked me", Terri Hethorn made her feel "cool to be Mexican" and she loved that Darcy Naughton would say hello to her whenever she went into the office. I can say that all these ladies and so many more, made it so easy to figure out how to a "mom" at school instead of a teacher. When I went to withdraw her, there was genuine sadness and gentle assurance. At the height of my stress, I had to call and leave a message for Ashley, Darcy was so calm on the phone that I instantly became calm too. What an amazing staff Lyle has.

Justin and I are both fortunate to work in buildings with very supportive staffs. There is something amazing about going to work with people who are genuinely interested in you as person and willing to pitch in and help you when you need it. Jared has carried me for the past month, not only do I owe him cookies, but I am very thankful to have a teaching partner who is caring and understanding.

We have amazing friends. I can't even list all the ways our friends have reached out to support us.All I can say is that we don't deserve to be blessed with so many people who are willing to listen, support, celebrate and cry with us.

Our families took this journey with us. There is no way to describe what they did for us or how they stepped up and helped us make decisions, pray for us, listen to us and generally just be there for us.
It will take awhile to process all of what I have felt in the past month, but today I am feeling thankful.

A Change in Plans....

The toughest thing about our entire journey through infertility has been uncertainty. There have been hundreds times when we didn't know what the right answer was, because we were overwhelmed by what ifs? We pushed on, we had faith, we kept running the race. When we took Ashley into our home, it was the hope that she would be our forever child. We were only foster parents, we made no promises to anyone, but it would be a lie to say that we didn't this child to be our child. It was so hard to pray for God's plan while in my mind planning for forever. She settled in and seemed happy and things felt good. I was sure this had to be God's plan.

In the past two weeks, I have been reminded that God's plan can be so different and much more awesome than we are able to imagine. Three weeks ago, I called Jill to complain about the fact that I just kept feeling nauseated and tired. She suggested a pregnancy test and I thought I should take one to not have to pay for it at the doctor's office when they wanted to figure what weird virus I had. That night a positive sign appeared. Justin and I were in shock, the next morning a second positive sign sent me to the Dr.'s where they confirmed that we will be having a baby in June. This is such and overwhelming miracle that I am not sure that I have fully processed the epic blessing we have received. I really relate to Sara and Abraham.

My amazement at this miracle has been tinged with stress at the question "what about Ashley?" Around the time that we discovered we were pregnant, her behaviors escalated dramatically. Mornings have become intense. She argumentative and angry. We haven't told her about the baby, because we don't know how she will react. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, I have ping ponged from the highest mountain of joy, to the lowest depths of despair. As her behavior has escalated, our inquiries, through our social worker and my intense "Micheal Lomas do what I tell you" voice, led to the discovery that DHS, and her social workers, failed to inform or openly lied to us to us about several things.

I have spent the past 24 hours being very angry, sad, guilty, frustrated, and generally feeling like a failure. The fact that we are pregnant disqualifies us from being an adoption option for Ashley, she needs to be an only child, however I am not even sure that we can be a foster resource to get her to adoption, because I am not sure that we are equipped to deal with all of her issues. That isn't true, I know that I am not equipped to deal with her issues. I am frustrated that we were honest about what we could handle and were lied to and put in this position.

Juxtapose this with constant wonder at somehow becoming pregnant with no fertility drugs and no major effort and combine it with pregnancy hormones and I have been a nutcase for the past 48 hours. My friend Gabrielle talked me down last  night and gave me some very wise words that I have clung to today. My Mom reminded that Ashley is ultimately God's child and no matter what I do, I clearly cannot comprehend the wondrous plans he may have for her.

This is very wise and offers hope, but it doesn't change the fact that there is a part of me that feels awful for not being what I hoped I could be for this girl. I would never not want this baby, or regret being pregnant, but I feel like I should be able to do it all, gracefully, without complaining. I have to let go. I have to admit that I cannot do all I think I should be able to. I have to admit that I cannot handle this child's issues and that I have failed at taking care of her. That breaks my heart.

I feel as if I let all the people who have supported us through this time down. So many people were rooting for us, and I am pained at the thought of having to tell them that it isn't going to work out. I am thankful for all the love and support that we have received and I am so sorry that I can't do it. Even as I write this I know it sounds silly, but this blog is about me being honest and at the moment I am simultaneously still amazed that I am pregnant and feeling like such a failure.

Scared

Today I experienced a part of parenting a child who has experienced extreme trauma that I knew was possible, but never realistically considered seeing. I don't want to go into the details of what happened, but I was genuinely frightened and I had no logical concept of how to deal with situation. It was purely God intervening and getting me through it. When I got to work, I locked the door to my room, kept the lights off and sat at my desk and cried. I had such sorrow for this child and was so scared about what else could happen. A chat with some coworkers who have experience with difficult children, a long email to my husband, and a phone call to our social worker got me through my day.

Our social worker rearranged her entire schedule in order to be able to come over and speak with us this evening. That is how awesome she is. She listened and assured me that I wasn't overacting and then mapped out a plan. By the time she left, I felt like we weren't alone and that things were going to be ok. In the past few weeks, I have been learning that I thought was the plan, is far from the plan. Maybe my job isn't to plan, but to do my best to get through today.

God truly cares for this child and I have faith that no matter what happens in the future, He holds  her in the palm of his hand. This is hard, but to be honest nothing about this has been easy. I feel like parts of me are being ripped open and brought out. This is a painful process, but in the end it will be for my good. Today, I had to stop and say "God, I am scared and powerless and out of ideas". I had to get out of the way. I had to keep stopping and handing my anxiety off to him.

I am still scared, I am still hurt, and there is a huge part of me that feels like a failure. I hate not excelling and exceeding at things, and I truly hate admitting when things are too hard for me to handle. Friends, the truth is, there is a lot going on at the moment that I am struggling to handle. There is a lot about the reality of this child's life that overwhelms and horrifies and frightens me, and when I admit that, I feel like a selfish awful person. I am a selfish awful person. God makes me a better person, but only if I willing to submit to his plan and put my plan aside. Psalm 139 says "You have searched me and you know me." God knows the ugliest, darkest parts of me and He loves me anyway. I clung to this today. I am still clinging a little tonight.

Breaking Point

A showdown has been building for the past two weeks. Every morning there is a new layer of defiance, or a slowness to respond to a direction. Maybe the child chooses to take her time getting out of the car on the way home or says things like "you can't tell me, just kidding". For two weeks, I have tried to hold it together, to respond calmly and rationally to the little pin pricks of annoyance, but this morning I lost it. A tantrum about getting ready, a refusal to wear a bathing suit and a string "Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok Juli Ann I hear you!" while I was attempting to speak to her about the choices she was making pushed me over the edge. I was just plain mad.

In a tone that sounded very much like my angry mother coming back across the decades, I let Miss Thing know that she did not speak to me like that, that she would do what I told her, and that I was done with her games. I shouldn't have done it, because there was a part of her that loved it. Up until this point we have refused to engage in this game, but this morning she had co-player and she went for it. I went to the kitchen to get water and calm down. She continued to shout complaints and announcements from her room. When I went back for round two, Justin opened the door and told us all to calm down, and she smiled a little smile and went back to her room.

Now I wasn't just upset and mad at myself and the kid, now I was frustrated at my husband as well.  How dare he undermine me like that? He doesn't know what has been going on, and you know what, she never pulls the attitude with him that she pulls with me. What followed was a mini fight between Justin and I, a long period of silence before swim lessons and a child who was waffling between enjoying the situation and clearly not sure about the situation.

When they left for swim lesson, I picked up the phone to call my Mom and tell her what a martyr I was. She listened to the whole story, and told me to grow up and figure it out. Turns out, I am not the only mother who can tell the child how "it is". She didn't abandon me, she did offer to problem solve with me. She told me to pray and she reminded me that I had a pretty amazing husband who was just trying to bring peace to his home. Moms, I didn't want to be one and I didn't know how much I liked having one.

I took a deep breath, had some coffee and took the cat to the vet (ear infection no biggie) and when I came home, I was still cranky. My mother called and suggested I run errands with her and give myself some time to think and process.  Moms, always showing up to help when you didn't know you wanted them. So, I went off with my Mom, who bought me lunch and told me a bunch of stories of moments she would take back. The crazy thing is, the fight she really regrets between us (involving me about to be picked up by Sean Mansfield for something and freaking out on her about my crappy clothes that suck and why don't we have money and ending with  me not going anywhere for that night or several nights) I didn't really remember until she brought it up. I am sure at the time I was furious and wrote pages in my journal about it, but I had nary a memory until she reminded me.

She told me that it was on a Friday night and she was so tired and stressed about making the mortgage because she was paying for me to go to DC and had bought me a homecoming dress and she felt like I was being ungrateful. Clearly I was ungrateful. In fact, my 33 year old self really wants to go back and slap my 16 year old self.  I also felt so awful that my Mom had no one to tag out to. No one was going to open a door and tell her to calm down. No one was going to take the child away and give her time to think.

That is when the neon light of "BAD WIFE!" "UNGRATEFUL WIFE" "FAILURE AS A MOTHER" "YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN" "EVERYONE CAN DO THIS BETTER THAN YOU CAN" "YOU DON'T DESERVE YOUR FAMILY!" came pouring into my mind. I had lost it. I could never fix it. I sucked. My mother, who has uncanny telepathy, told me to get it together everyone has bad days and what are you going to do about it. Moms, knowing you better than you know yourself and using that knowledge against you.

So, I talked it out with my Mom. I told her how frustrated I was. How every morning was a landmine of whining and cajoling ending with me frustrated and stressed. I told her how I felt like a biological Mom would be better at handling it and how I was afraid that this was a taste of bigger and badder behaviors that I was not equipped to handle. I told her that I don't remember the last time I slept through the night and that my job seems to getting more stressful by the day. I told her that money worry is oppressive and how I feel like I am not doing a good job at any of my jobs. Then my Mom hugged me. Moms, knowing how to make you feel better without having to say anything.

My big solution was to pray. I put all out there to God and asked for help. I realized that my love wasn't enough and I needed something bigger. By the time I got out of church tonight I had a plan and some peace. In conversation with the child I laid it all out. After apologizing for speaking in a "mean" voice, I explained that from here on out I would tell her what time she needed to be ready and expect her to do it. Whatever state she is in at the time we have to leave is the state she will leave in. If that means messy hair and an unmade bed, so be it. I also told her that if she complained about her clothes, I wasn't going to argue. I would simply take those clothes and donate them to a kid who needed them, and she would be responsible for buying new ones. 

I also told her I love her, but I knew that she was behaving this way to gain some control and get some attention. I reminded her that she has all of our attention and we will not be rewarding her for her negative actions. She was quiet, but seemed to get it. It will be a challenge. I will struggle to leave the house with a kid with messy hair and not feel like it is a testament to my crappy parenting, but I will persevere, or at least call my Mom for strength. Moms, always there when you need them.

You've got a friend in me....

The last two weeks have been filled with a lot of friendship talk. Ashley has never really had friends before and has had some issues determining what makes a good friend and what makes a bad friend. She has been exposed to some girls who are definitely in the latter category. One of them has a very strong personality and seems to suck the other girls into making poor choices. We have had a lot of talks about how you have to walk away and when do you know if someone if is your friend. Part of me feels awful, this kid is finally connecting with her peers and we have to break the bubble and let her know that not everyone is good, not everyone is honest, and some people are mean.

This has been an extra struggle for me because I don't remember "learning" how to make friends. When I asked my Mom about this, she pointed out that from the ages of 3-10 I was glued to the side of Nicole. This was a bonus in the friend making market, I never worried about making friends because I always had Nicole. I think we must of stood up for one another, I don't remember being angry at other kids for being mean to me, but I do remember yelling at a girl who lived in our neighborhood and was mean to my cousin. I guess by the time we moved to Oregon, I was old enough to just figure it out. Plus, I am pretty comfortable talking to anyone so that helps.

It is weird how much you forget about growing up. The little things, like the belief that any kid that comes up to you is going to be your friend or that Narnia may really be in the back of your closet. That coloring and singing are the two greatest things ever and that every day is a brand new adventure. Mostly I am amazed at Ashley's resiliency. Somehow, despite all she has been through, she has managed to hold onto her innocence and her belief that people are good. That is a miracle.

I hope she learns what a good friend is, and I pray that God sends her some amazing friends to bless her life. Friends have always been hugely important in my life and I want her to have those people that she can connect with at any moment. I truly hope she meets someone in elementary school. There is something special about a friend, or cousin, who can remember when set the house on fire because you wanted to know what would happen you microwaved the Kleenex; and  who was willing to always to be the first to try our homemade Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

As we become adults, those people become more precious because they connect us back to a time that feels so far away. I know that the road of friendship isn't always easy. Sometimes, you spend most of high school being friends with a girl who is mean to everyone, and goes crazy when she isn't elected homecoming princess, and it takes one clear moment of her being mean to someone else to walk away. There are moments when the dorky boy who never has lunch is assigned to sit across from you at lunch and even though you are annoyed at the time, he turns out to be one of your oldest friends. People will hurt you, and not everyone will turn out to be your best friend, but I hope that Ashley learns how to give people a chance. I also hope that she gets to experience the joy of being a good friend with someone for a long time.

A lot of foster kids miss out on this, and they are the ones who really need friends. I hope each the lonely foster kiddos out there get to have one true friend. To all my friends, old and new, thank you. I feel like I have been slacking in the friendship category the past few months, but please know that I can't wait to see and catch up with each of you.