Why is it that just when I write a blog about patience, I am challenged to be patient? And why do I have this wise husband who holds me accountable to being patient? Some days, you just want to scream. Yesterday was filled with pluses and minuses. Plus, I was officially accepted into PSU's Admin program and am excited to move on towards becoming an administrator. Career wise this is something I really want to do and the extra income will give us a lot of room to think about how we want to live our lives.
On the home front, we met with our social worker yesterday and she let us know that most adoptions are taking closer to two years than one. Part of this is because the state has cut her department in half and part is just the reality of adoption. It was a bit of hit to the gut. I have had my eye on next spring and now it could be the spring after that! This is one of those times when I have blogger's remorse. What was I thinking writing a long blog about the importance of faithfulness and patiently waiting for God's plan? I was an idiot! I don't want to patiently wait for God's plan. I want what I want and I want it now!
That is what I thought for most of yesterday and last night. I was just plain angry with God. How dare he? I have been patient and I deserve to have my desires fulfilled. Isn't that what he promises? As I was stewing in this last night, my husband asked me what my blog had been about? Darn him and his convicting me. As I was trying to embrace my husband's reminder, good old Jeremiah 29:11 came roaring back into my head "plans to prosper you and not to harm you". This was followed by good old Hebrews 12:1 and "running the race with patience".
Big reminder Lindemann, this isn't about you. It is about your future child and what is best for them. It is about learning to embrace God's plan, even when you don't understand it. It is about living life with a joyful and generous heart no matter what. It is about being the best wife, daughter, sister, friend and teacher I can be.
This journey isn't always easy, but I have far more blessings than I can count. I will continue to have faith. We are going to do respite care and emergency foster care and I am excited about that. I am choosing to put Jeremiah 29:11 on repeat and keep moving forward in faith.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Paitience
There are a lot of infertile women in the Bible. Sarah, Rachael, Hannah, Rebecca, and Elizabeth all struggle to have children. In the end, each is blessed to give birth to a child who changes the world. When I was in the darkest moments of my journey through infertility, I started reading a book entitled Hannah's Hope. It was the starting point for me finding way to a place of peace and healing.
I have been thinking about these women all day. Sarah stands out the most because she was an old woman when she finally gave birth to Isaac. God had been promising her a son for years, but she gave up hope and took matters into her own hands. She gave her maidservant, Hagar, to Abraham. When Hagar became pregnant, Genesis tells us that she became bitter towards Sarah, but I wonder how jealous Sarah was of Hagar? It must have torn her apart to see this slave woman giving her husband the one thing that she could not. Was she mean to Hagar? Did she cry herself to sleep at night? We know that she took her anger out on her husband and blamed him for the situation. His solution was to allow her to mistreat Hagar and Hagar ran away.
In the desert, God found Hagar and spoke to her. He told her that her son would also birth a nation and that she would be blessed through him. Hagar listened and returned to her mistress. It was almost a decade later before Isaac was born. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's faithfulness. He would go onto father generations of Jews, and through him God's promise to Abraham was fulfilled. However, his brother Ishmael would also go on to father a nation and their descendants are still fighting today.
In a moment of weakness, Sarah gave up on God's plan and implemented her own. She was impatient and tired of waiting, but her plan led her family to experience unnecessary pain and turmoil. If she had found a way to hold fast to her faith and patiently wait for God's plan, she may have saved herself, Abraham, Hagar, and their sons a lot of pain. I really empathize with Sarah.
My husband is constantly reminding me to be patient, and I am always having to check in and ask "my plan" or "God's plan". It doesn't always work, I forge ahead and push things. This almost always ends up with some sort of hardship or pain. Why can't I be more patient?
I feel that this journey has been specially designed for me to learn to let go and learn to slow down. Adoption requires me to trust others, keep the faith, and not give in to despair. Infertility has taught me about honesty in marriage, the amazing love that can come from truly trusting your partner with your deepest fears, amazing friendships that I am unworthy of, and that true peace comes from letting go of my plan.
I am being challenged to let go in areas of my life beyond infertility. Our marriage is a partnership, but you can't always have two people at the wheel. I am learning to give stuff up to my husband and am amazed at how this little thing has strengthened our marriage.
I do not know when my child will come, but I have faith that they will come. Until they do, I have been charged with teaching 185 children a day. That in itself is a blessing.
I have been thinking about these women all day. Sarah stands out the most because she was an old woman when she finally gave birth to Isaac. God had been promising her a son for years, but she gave up hope and took matters into her own hands. She gave her maidservant, Hagar, to Abraham. When Hagar became pregnant, Genesis tells us that she became bitter towards Sarah, but I wonder how jealous Sarah was of Hagar? It must have torn her apart to see this slave woman giving her husband the one thing that she could not. Was she mean to Hagar? Did she cry herself to sleep at night? We know that she took her anger out on her husband and blamed him for the situation. His solution was to allow her to mistreat Hagar and Hagar ran away.
In the desert, God found Hagar and spoke to her. He told her that her son would also birth a nation and that she would be blessed through him. Hagar listened and returned to her mistress. It was almost a decade later before Isaac was born. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's faithfulness. He would go onto father generations of Jews, and through him God's promise to Abraham was fulfilled. However, his brother Ishmael would also go on to father a nation and their descendants are still fighting today.
In a moment of weakness, Sarah gave up on God's plan and implemented her own. She was impatient and tired of waiting, but her plan led her family to experience unnecessary pain and turmoil. If she had found a way to hold fast to her faith and patiently wait for God's plan, she may have saved herself, Abraham, Hagar, and their sons a lot of pain. I really empathize with Sarah.
My husband is constantly reminding me to be patient, and I am always having to check in and ask "my plan" or "God's plan". It doesn't always work, I forge ahead and push things. This almost always ends up with some sort of hardship or pain. Why can't I be more patient?
I feel that this journey has been specially designed for me to learn to let go and learn to slow down. Adoption requires me to trust others, keep the faith, and not give in to despair. Infertility has taught me about honesty in marriage, the amazing love that can come from truly trusting your partner with your deepest fears, amazing friendships that I am unworthy of, and that true peace comes from letting go of my plan.
I am being challenged to let go in areas of my life beyond infertility. Our marriage is a partnership, but you can't always have two people at the wheel. I am learning to give stuff up to my husband and am amazed at how this little thing has strengthened our marriage.
I do not know when my child will come, but I have faith that they will come. Until they do, I have been charged with teaching 185 children a day. That in itself is a blessing.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Now it's time for so long...
Our first foray into respite care came to an end today. The twins went back home at noon. They were very happy to see their foster mom and she was excited that they remembered who she was. It is impossible to write about the things we learned in the past 8 days. My father-in-law told me that he used to encourage couples who were considering becoming parents to "rent out" his children and really see what it is like. He is a very wise man.
Overall, we had fun. There were days that weren't as fun and we both broke down, but this experience confirmed that: adoption is the right choice for us, we are committed to fostering children after our adoption, and we will continue to provide respite care. Before the twins, the foster population was anonymous to us. As teachers we interact with foster kids, but the reality of who these children are and the precariousness of their lives only becomes clear when they are in your home. This week reaffirmed that we have been called to love some of these kids. That affirmation is important.
It also made me wonder why more people don't foster or adopt? If even a quarter of those who were able took in one of these children, it would work wonders for our society as a whole. These kids deserve to loved. They deserve to have someone who will kiss their booboos and rock them when they cry. One of the most heartbreaking moments of this week occurred when we were trying to take pictures. They didn't know how to take a picture. We are used to kids who stop and pose when a camera comes out. These boys had no idea what to do. No one is taking pictures of their childhood. Please stop and consider what you can do now, or in the future, how can you help one of these kids out?
On a good note, the twins' Aunt has been found in Wisconsin and as soon as the State can terminate the Mom's rights ( a six month process) they will be off to live with their Aunt. She is excited to meet them and is flying to see them. Not only do these to adorable boys get to live with a family that will love and care for them, they will grow up to be Packer fans. It as if they were sent to us to prepare them for their future.
I am sure I will have more to write later. I am happy to have my life back, and can't wait to have a romantic date at an adult restaurant.
Overall, we had fun. There were days that weren't as fun and we both broke down, but this experience confirmed that: adoption is the right choice for us, we are committed to fostering children after our adoption, and we will continue to provide respite care. Before the twins, the foster population was anonymous to us. As teachers we interact with foster kids, but the reality of who these children are and the precariousness of their lives only becomes clear when they are in your home. This week reaffirmed that we have been called to love some of these kids. That affirmation is important.
It also made me wonder why more people don't foster or adopt? If even a quarter of those who were able took in one of these children, it would work wonders for our society as a whole. These kids deserve to loved. They deserve to have someone who will kiss their booboos and rock them when they cry. One of the most heartbreaking moments of this week occurred when we were trying to take pictures. They didn't know how to take a picture. We are used to kids who stop and pose when a camera comes out. These boys had no idea what to do. No one is taking pictures of their childhood. Please stop and consider what you can do now, or in the future, how can you help one of these kids out?
On a good note, the twins' Aunt has been found in Wisconsin and as soon as the State can terminate the Mom's rights ( a six month process) they will be off to live with their Aunt. She is excited to meet them and is flying to see them. Not only do these to adorable boys get to live with a family that will love and care for them, they will grow up to be Packer fans. It as if they were sent to us to prepare them for their future.
I am sure I will have more to write later. I am happy to have my life back, and can't wait to have a romantic date at an adult restaurant.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Falling in love
It was bound to happen, two adorable little boys who are desperate for love and you can't help but give it to them. There is something terrible and magical about toddlers. They terrorize you and than turn around and give you a huge hug or smile and your heart melts. We have finally settled in at Casa de Lindemann.
We are still crowded, and teething, so there are moments of terror. However, we have had car sing alongs, and random hugs, cuddle time, and just plain funny antics. It will be hard to let them go on Saturday.
DHS called to arrange a visit with their mother this week. This will be their final visit with her. The state is terminating her rights. This means the twins will be in limbo as the state attempts to locate their father. They have a good foster family and their maternal grandparents are in the picture, but I cry when I think about the fact that they are being put into a system that could mean they never have a stable home.
Currently they spend time with their foster family and alternate weeks with their grandparents. This leads to some serious confusion about routine and expectations. They are too little not to have stability. They won't be adoptable for a couple years and I pray that they find a good family. Please join me in praying for these little guys. Pray that they will be loved and protected as they move through the system. Pray for a family that will love them and provide them with a solid foundation to become amazing men. I have never before felt so helpless, I have to keep reminding myself that these are God's children and he loves them more than I can imagine. I have faith that his plan is one of love and grace and that these boys will go on to have a healthy and happy life.
We are still crowded, and teething, so there are moments of terror. However, we have had car sing alongs, and random hugs, cuddle time, and just plain funny antics. It will be hard to let them go on Saturday.
DHS called to arrange a visit with their mother this week. This will be their final visit with her. The state is terminating her rights. This means the twins will be in limbo as the state attempts to locate their father. They have a good foster family and their maternal grandparents are in the picture, but I cry when I think about the fact that they are being put into a system that could mean they never have a stable home.
Currently they spend time with their foster family and alternate weeks with their grandparents. This leads to some serious confusion about routine and expectations. They are too little not to have stability. They won't be adoptable for a couple years and I pray that they find a good family. Please join me in praying for these little guys. Pray that they will be loved and protected as they move through the system. Pray for a family that will love them and provide them with a solid foundation to become amazing men. I have never before felt so helpless, I have to keep reminding myself that these are God's children and he loves them more than I can imagine. I have faith that his plan is one of love and grace and that these boys will go on to have a healthy and happy life.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thoughts in the middle of the tornado.
1. Foster Mom glossed over some things and wasn't super honest about others. Example: "They can eat at the table and don't need high chairs." reality, they use high chairs at her house and tend to fall out of real chairs.
2. These twins remind me of Jonathan and Tim, my oldest nephews, one has brown hair, one blond, one is a picky eater, one is a daredevil and they hate and love each other very much.
3. God gives you a baby first so that when they become toddlers you are prepared. Being thrown into the middle of it is a little shocking.
4. Condo sucks for little kids. Our neighbors are crazy.
5. God Bless Caiullo
6. I have taken care of little kiddos before, Aly and I were all over NYC when she was 3 and 4, but 1 is is differant than two and Aly was surronded by people who adored her and loved her. Thankfully she never had to wonder if someone was going to leave or hurt her. These guys are wary. They were very unsure about cuddling and are just kind of angry and sad that they have been uprooted.
7. A chat with their foster mom let me know that they were drug babies. I really dislike people who do meth while pregnant.
8. They are adorable and like to take care of one another.
9. I am a person who needs sleep and am a little crazy without.
10. I can't believe my Mom did this alone.
2. These twins remind me of Jonathan and Tim, my oldest nephews, one has brown hair, one blond, one is a picky eater, one is a daredevil and they hate and love each other very much.
3. God gives you a baby first so that when they become toddlers you are prepared. Being thrown into the middle of it is a little shocking.
4. Condo sucks for little kids. Our neighbors are crazy.
5. God Bless Caiullo
6. I have taken care of little kiddos before, Aly and I were all over NYC when she was 3 and 4, but 1 is is differant than two and Aly was surronded by people who adored her and loved her. Thankfully she never had to wonder if someone was going to leave or hurt her. These guys are wary. They were very unsure about cuddling and are just kind of angry and sad that they have been uprooted.
7. A chat with their foster mom let me know that they were drug babies. I really dislike people who do meth while pregnant.
8. They are adorable and like to take care of one another.
9. I am a person who needs sleep and am a little crazy without.
10. I can't believe my Mom did this alone.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Respite 2 year old twins day 1
woke at 6am and drove home from Ashland.
Twins arrived at noon.
2 hr where the hell am I? fit before 30 minute nap
1 hr play time
45 minutes played at park
20 minute fit by one who didn't want to be in the stroller
10 times the other one told his screaming bro to be quiet
2 hrs playing
10 nuggets for dinner
5 sippy cups
Three diaper changes
Two baths
Two bottles
One kids asleep
The other fighting it while my amazing husband rocks him.
Our condo is too small for two year old twins.
They are adorable and the cats have been ok.
Routine is the key, Routine is the key.
I am exhausted.
Everytime a foster kid goes somewhere new, they don't know if it is forever or a week. As two year olds they can't communicate their fear, but they are pretty freaked out. I hate that they are two and have abandonment issues.
Even if we just get love them for a week, it is worth it.
I am exhausted. I love my husband. Just when we figure it out, they will go home.
Twins arrived at noon.
2 hr where the hell am I? fit before 30 minute nap
1 hr play time
45 minutes played at park
20 minute fit by one who didn't want to be in the stroller
10 times the other one told his screaming bro to be quiet
2 hrs playing
10 nuggets for dinner
5 sippy cups
Three diaper changes
Two baths
Two bottles
One kids asleep
The other fighting it while my amazing husband rocks him.
Our condo is too small for two year old twins.
They are adorable and the cats have been ok.
Routine is the key, Routine is the key.
I am exhausted.
Everytime a foster kid goes somewhere new, they don't know if it is forever or a week. As two year olds they can't communicate their fear, but they are pretty freaked out. I hate that they are two and have abandonment issues.
Even if we just get love them for a week, it is worth it.
I am exhausted. I love my husband. Just when we figure it out, they will go home.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Work
No one tells you that infertility is work. Actually no one tells you that a planned pregnancy is work. There is a lot of tracking and planning. Infertility adds to the workload. For almost two years (which is almost no time in the infertility world, some women work for decades), I researched, measured, documented, timed, recorded data, advocated doctors, tried various diets, took pills, had a minor surgery, and tried to stay sane. Having a baby became my second job. My uterus was my boss and she wasn't nice. She was demanding and mean. I put in a ton of work and was never rewarded.
What I didn't know was that my job should have started five years before. When I was 25, I started gaining weight. I had intense pain in my side and went to the doctor with three ovarian cysts. The gynecologist I was seeing at the time, told me it was nothing and all women went through hormonal changes at various periods of their life. I didn't like his answer, but I didn't push for another opinion.
I didn't start pushing until I had issues getting pregnant. I went through three doctors before I got to my current obgyn. After looking at my data, my history and running tests she diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome. I was happy just to know what was wrong with me. She helped me lose weight and understand what was going on. She focused on infertility and gave me the best treatments possible. However, she also let me know that if the doctor so long ago had pushed harder, I may have prevented scarring on my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
I went as far as we were willing to go with medical infertility. To be honest, we could have gone further, but it is exhausting. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I have no regrets that we tried, and I can't go back and change the choices that I made so long ago, but I wanted to share this to encourage others to check in with their doctor and be honest when you want another opinion.
If you are my age, do not assume that everything is ok. Our generation has had more issues with pregnancy than any before us. It is hard to deal with infertility, but watching my best friend suffer through preeclampsia was awful. As children, we were exposed to toxic levels of hormones in our milk and meat. A majority of women are fine, but make sure. Be proactive about your health. I wish I had taken some time to put some work into that earlier.
What I didn't know was that my job should have started five years before. When I was 25, I started gaining weight. I had intense pain in my side and went to the doctor with three ovarian cysts. The gynecologist I was seeing at the time, told me it was nothing and all women went through hormonal changes at various periods of their life. I didn't like his answer, but I didn't push for another opinion.
I didn't start pushing until I had issues getting pregnant. I went through three doctors before I got to my current obgyn. After looking at my data, my history and running tests she diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome. I was happy just to know what was wrong with me. She helped me lose weight and understand what was going on. She focused on infertility and gave me the best treatments possible. However, she also let me know that if the doctor so long ago had pushed harder, I may have prevented scarring on my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
I went as far as we were willing to go with medical infertility. To be honest, we could have gone further, but it is exhausting. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I have no regrets that we tried, and I can't go back and change the choices that I made so long ago, but I wanted to share this to encourage others to check in with their doctor and be honest when you want another opinion.
If you are my age, do not assume that everything is ok. Our generation has had more issues with pregnancy than any before us. It is hard to deal with infertility, but watching my best friend suffer through preeclampsia was awful. As children, we were exposed to toxic levels of hormones in our milk and meat. A majority of women are fine, but make sure. Be proactive about your health. I wish I had taken some time to put some work into that earlier.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)