Plans

I write a lot of blogs about plans. I am currently keeping two blogs, one for work and this one, and both seem to revolve around me planning something and then having to be reminded to give up and let go. When I am stressed or emotional, I crave control. When I am anxious and feeling depressed, I crave control. When I am frightened, I crave control. Is anyone else noticing a theme?

On this journey towards motherhood, I have fought my control freak self several times. Every time I think I have it under control, it comes back in another form. This is the "thorn in my flesh". I have struggled in the past two weeks to let go of what I think my life should be, or what I think others expect my life to be, and to embrace that God is still shaping my life.

Every time I give in and let go of my plan, good things happen. I do not always understand how they happen, and they have not always come in a pain free form, but I can look back and honestly tell you that every tear, heartache, plan, and reality has been for good.

A year before I started this blog, I begin to keep a prayer journal. I was in the darkest depths of my infertility journey and, like Hannah and Sarah, I literally had nowhere else to turn. I have recently reread some of those passages, and I am shocked at how much healing and hope has been given to me in the past few years.  It also reminded me of what an amazing miracle my pregnancy is.

It is easy to forget that I am currently experiencing a miracle. It is easy to press forward and embrace the worry and stress of everyday life without stopping to be thankful. At this moment, a thousand miles away, my sister in law is working on bringing the miracle of our new niece or nephew into the world. Birth is surrounded by clinical and political decrees and procedures, and at times I think we forget how incredible it is. By the end of the day, a new Lindemann will be with us, forever knitted into the fabric of our family, and a representation of the miracle that was Nick finding Sophie.

When I look at the world this way, it easy to see how God blesses me each and every day. Every time my son moves, when he kicks because he hears his dad, or the precious moment when I hear his heart beating, should a moment of thankfulness. However, I so often get caught up in the pursuits of what I envision success to be that I actually forget to be thankful.

For the past month, I have been struggling with who I am within my job and how I will reach my career goals with a child. I have been very concerned about what the world will think of my decisions and the "type of woman" I will be. Once again, a very patient God showed up and gave me some very clear and can't be missed guidance. PSU has not given me enough aid to be able to afford doing an admin program next year. The numbers don't add up, and there is no way for me to do the program without putting my family in financial stress.

Part of this made me angry, and then I realized that in my plan to be an administrator, I had once again forged ahead without waiting for God's plan or God's timing.  I make the same mistake time and time again, even though I know that waiting for God's plan has always proven to be the better choice.

I hope that my parenting will have one speck of the patience, forgiveness, and infinite love that has been shown for my stubborn self. I spent a lot of time during this break being overwhelmed by the blessings and kindness that have been poured out on to us. So, for the thousandth time, my new plan is to have no plan and to once again go back to Jeremiah 29:11.  Maybe this time I will do a little bit better.

Bigger things than this

I have been super focused on work for the past month. I have had a lot to do, and I am working on a project that I feel overwhelming passionate about and what to see be successful. I have been pushing hard to get things done and have had this desire to show that being pregnant doesn't mean that I can't do my job. In some strange ways I have pushed myself harder then normal in an effort to prove I can handle it. I haven't wanted to be the person who can't do it all, in fact not doing it all feels a bit like giving in to something.

At the same time, this stage of my pregnancy has been looming out in front of me. Six years ago, my best friend was around this stage when she developed preclampsia and was forced to have an emergency c-section. Miraculously she and her daughter were ok, and Lily has grown up to have no complications and to be a charming, funny, and wonderful child.  At the time all of this happened, I was sympathetic and scared for my friend. It was such a huge life or death situation that it was the first time I realized we were really adults. However, I don't think I truly could comprehend the fear involved until I hit the same stage of my pregnancy.

In the back of my mind, I have been holding this stage of my pregnancy as a marker. Almost a talisman, let me get to here and I will start to feel better.  You would think that someone who is mildly holding their breath would accept that listening to her body is important, and they would willingly embrace the limitations that their bodies may need. Somehow I missed that point.

I have felt like I had a sinus infection for about two weeks, but I have kept passing it off as a stuffy nose, because I had stuff I wanted to get done and things I felt responsible for.  I felt tired, I felt a little run down, students pointed out that I looked tired, co-workers told me to get sleep, but I just didn't want to give in to it.
Until, Thursday night when I woke up sick and proceeded to vomit for hours. I slept on Friday and decided I was good on Saturday, and yesterday I started throwing up and couldn't stop. Justin drew the line and told me to stay home. Today I went to the doctor, where I discovered that my fever was higher than I thought, my sinus infection was worse than I thought, and my blood pressure was little too high.

Blood pressure is one of those huge pregnancy things, and a direct symptom of preclampsia, and having my doctor stop and speak to me about it made me pause.  I have been ordered to relax, get better and not go to work. My first instinct was to fight it. I need to go to work. I have things to do, and it isn't good for my students to not have consistency. Then a small voice came into my head and reminded me that I have bigger things in my life then my classroom. Not that I don't care about the classroom, but my son is a bigger deal than my job.

I think all pregnant women must come to this point. The point where you have to let go of the life you had before and embrace what your life will be. My job is still important, but Junior is the most important thing in our life. Today I had to take a deep breath and let go of the part of me that wants to excel at everything. Last night, Justin sat me down and reminded me that at the moment my  job, above all else, is to give our child a safe place to grow and get ready to come into the world.  I didn't like hearing it, but it was true. So, I am going to let go, slow down and make sure Junior gets here safe. This seems like such a simple thing, but it has taken me a long time to learn it.

Under Pressure

This past week was full of big stressful parenting decisions. Well, one big stressful parenting decision, what will I do with my job when Junior arrives? This was impossible. No matter which way we went I felt like I was being a bad parent, and there were a lot of things out of my control. We have to make a certain amount of money in order to provide a home for our son. I had an opportunity to take a permanent part time job, but it was truly meant to permanent and is funded through a program that the federal government may or may not maintain.  The thought of being laid off with a one year old was not pleasant, I choose to keep my current position.

By staying as a full time teacher, and deciding to continue pursuing my admin I am not going to be at home with my son. I want to be a good mom, but I am also invested and committed to my career. This past week the thought of doing both well has seemed overwhelming, daunting, and simply impossible. What if he is sick or hurt and I can't be there? What if I miss a smile or laugh? How can I leave him behind and focus on teaching? On the other hand, I would miss my job if I left it. What if I stayed at home and resented my son for it? If my working means we can pay the bills, then I don't really have choice in the matter do I?

I am not the first or last mother to wrestle with these issues. One of the reasons I choose to be a teacher was because it was a family friendly career. I am very blessed to be supported by my family and my job. My mother is willing to watch Junior and my district is letting me take my leave in the form of half days for the first semester. Hopefully, Justin can work part time for the second semester and we can figure it out from there.

Time is slipping by, and more big decisions are coming. I am not worried about being perfect, no one is, but I am aware that this feeling of being torn in two may not go away for awhile. At the moment, I just want a healthy and happy baby boy, and we can figure out the rest as we go.

So much on my mind

It has been a month since my last blog post. I have started several blogs in that time, but I haven't been able to articulate all the things I am thinking or struggling with. Sometimes you need to pause and consider before you can express. Also, I have been so tired that I haven't had the energy to blog. I get through the work day, hang on until dinner and then head to bed. Here are some things that have been happening or I have been pondering.

1. Work: For the past five years, my identity has been bound to being a teacher. I work hard long hours to be the best teacher I can be. Despite never teaching the same thing, I am comfortable with where I am. However, I feel a shift coming. My job as I know it is changing. Partly by personal choice, we have decided that I will be part time next year and finish my administrators license, and part is just about district need and teaching assignments. I don't know what my job will be next year and I am strangely okay with it.

2. This week my worst fear came true. Since Ashley left us, I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I got rid of her when I found out I was pregnant. Someone finally said this to me and instead of it being the knife wrenching wound I thought it would be, it was not a very big deal. I heard what this person said, and I instantly thought, but that isn't true, you don't know the whole story and I am not obligated to tell you. My husband and I were faced with a tough choice that required us to consider what was best for two children, and ultimately Ashley's fate wasn't ours to determine, DHS did that. I was just thankful that God gave me peace about this.

3. I am obsessed with my unborn son. I apologize if I overwhelm you with baby talk, but he is all I can think about. I am so excited for him to just get here. My world revolves around him and his health, and so many things that were important before have just faded, and things that never mattered have came rushing to the forefront.

4.  Daycare has become this expensive huge scary issue. Leaving my son with anyone is a big deal and factoring in the cost of infant care is staggering. I think we have a solution, but this is such an expensive and important decision. I have struggled with whether staying at home should just be what I do, but I don't really want to stay home full time and I think it would be worst for my family then figuring this out. There are still things I want to do and those things have the potential to bring my family some financial comfort, but I still feel guilty and unsure. What if I make the wrong decision? What if working part time doesn't work, or somehow we can't get enough money? I know this isn't new territory for any family, but it some scary stuff.

5. My husband is hilarious. I know he doesn't think that I still think he is funny, but I would be a much bigger stress case if he wasn't around to make me laugh. He is amazing.

6. We still have so much work to do to the house to get ready for Junior. It is overwhelming.

7. I have had a stuffy nose for months and am just tired of it. I am generally tired. I didn't think I could ever be this tired. I feel bad because I am not the teacher I normally am. Sometimes I just have to sit. I don't have the energy to give my students what I have in the past and that is a struggle.

This is small sample of what I am thinking about, but I am so happy and thankful and I keep returning to Jeremiah 29:11. God's plan has amazed over and over again.

The best laid plans of mice and men

This past year has been full of me making plans and then having to sit back and watch them change. All of that change has been for good, some of it still hurts (I had a moment the other day when I was driving to work and the Grease Megamix came on. Ashley loved to sing to the Grease Megamix and I found myself crying a hoping that she is happy and safe and healthy.), and all of it has been suprising. A year ago, I was going through fertility treatments and waiting to know if Justin and I would be employed this year. Home and work were the most stressful they had ever been and I wasn't sure if I would survive. I did and it was one of my best years, personally and professionally.

The last year was filled with a lot of grace. Grace to improve relationships, grace to learn that marriage is hard and wonderful at the same time, grace to be loved by friends and family who hurt and celebrate with you, and the gift of students who somehow keep reminding how amazing your job is even when you aren't sure if it will be there in June. There were several times last year when giving up seemed like a good option, and yet God faithfully provided reminders along the way to keep me moving. At some point I gave in and I could not have imagined that I would be where I am now.

The past month, I have felt more change coming. Professionally things are moving and changing, and instead of feeling fearful and angry about it, I feel ready. I feel ready for whatever my job may turn out to be. Part of this is pregnancy, having a baby means I won't be the same teacher I have been. I feel it now, my relationship with students, what I am willing to take on, and what I worry about has shifted. The other part is a readiness for a new challenge, I have taught the same thing for awhile and am trained to do other things, maybe it is time for those?

Justin and I are debating if I will begin and admin program in the fall. The pros and cons are equally rational, but at the end of the day I am ready and I do think it would the best thing for my family. I do still love teaching. It is a hard and often thankless job,but there are amazing moments. This week I gave my 7th graders a very hard assignment, and I was not sure they could do it. They were given a historical article that college undergrads would read and asked to read it and write a paper on it. I did this because I believed that with the right strategies and support they could do it, but they would have to want to. I expected whining and complaning, I expected an uproar that the other classes were watching movies. I received hard work, multiple questions, and "I can't believe I read that" and "My brother had to help me, but he said it was pretty hard and he is in high school" and "Are you getting me ready for college? Because I appreciate that". Who could not love their job after comments like that. I love my 7th graders.

So, I am waiting for the change. If I learned anyting in 2011 it was that my plans don't work out, but an acceptance that I am not in charge can lead to amazing blessings.  The biggest blessing of all is currently moving around and reminding me that they are there and getting more active every day. I would relive the stress and pain of the last year a million times over just for that.

Sometimes

1. Sometimes I want to solve my problems by screaming and crying.
2. Sometimes I amazed at all the weirdness occuring to my body.
3. Sometimes I wish I lived in Ventura and it was sunny and warm again.
4. Sometimes a donut is the best breakfast of all.
5. Sometimes I am pretending to listen when I am off in my head doing something else.
6. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a stay at home mom.
7. Sometimes I think if I stayed home I would go crazy.
8. Sometimes middle schoolers are the funniest people I know.
9. Sometimes when I am having a really bad day a coworker will magically appear and make it better.
10. Sometimes I am amazed that Justin and I actually worked it out.
11. Sometimes I wonder who else would have had either of us.
13. Sometimes I am freaked out about all the freedom we will lose in June.
14. Sometimes I imagine what it will be like to have our baby with us while Justin reads us to sleep and freedom doesn't seem important.
15. Sometimes I need a little Garth and Reba to make my day brighter.
16. Sometimes  I wonder how people can be so mean and selfish.
17. Sometimes I am so mean and selfish.
18. Sometimes when I am teaching the baby flips around and I am so enthralled I forget to keep teaching.
19. Sometimes I have a panic attack about something going wrong.
20. Sometimes it is just nice to comes home and watch Jeporady with Justin.

Food, Fat, and Pregnancy

I recently listened to a podcast where they discussed the growing issue of pregnant women who suffer eating disorders during their pregnancy. Almost 20% of pregnant women will suffer from some form of anorexia or bulimia while pregnant. Most experts feel that this growing phenomenon is a result of the "Hollywood Pregnancy", where a movie star gives birth and than discusses how they only gained five pounds for their entire pregnancy. I don't doubt that this is a factor, but as a pregnant woman I have had all sorts of people come out to warn me about gaining weight and getting fat. I willingly acknowledge that 99.9% of those who have spoken to me about weight are doing it from a place of love and desire to help me be healthy. However, what I often hear in my head it "don't eat to much fatty".

Based on discussions with other pregnant women, and my obgyn, I know I am not the only one who stresses about weight and food and weight gain. I recently had a pregnant friend tell me they are freaking out about gaining too much weight and yet are so exhausted they can't seem to workout. This woman is clearly not alone, everyone feels that way.

My personal struggle revolves around the fact that I worked to lose weight in 2011 and it was this weight loss that led to me being pregnant. I have huge fears about gaining back all the weight and more. My first trimester it was impossible to find the energy to workout. All I wanted to do was sleep and the rest of the time I was nauseous. Now I have more energy and have done some workouts, but am still struggling with taking rests and not going full bore.

It feels completely insane to worry about getting fat while pregnant.  My husband constantly points out the insanity of this entire conversation. However, somewhere in this growing issue is the fine line between a healthy awareness of what you are putting in your body, and an unhealthy obsession with calories. I do think this is the time to eat the most healthy unprocessed foods that I can. For the first time in my life, I am aware of my Omega 3 and Iron consumption. I am leaving soy milk and returning to hormone free cow's milk (hardest change of all). I want to eat as healthy as possible, because I want my child to be as healthy as possible.

Healthy is the mantra I keep chanting to myself. I feel like if I eat healthy and stay comfortably active than I won't have to worry about weight. The scale still looms out there. I don't suffer from an eating disorder, but I understand how other pregnant women could tip toe toward that line. Most pregnancy sites or books discuss weight gain right of the bat. A lot of them do it with a sly "don't be a fatty".

Wouldn't it be nice if we celebrated all women, pregnant or not, by their level of health and not by the size of their jeans? I would love it if I went 24 hours without hearing a friend, colleague, or student discuss how fat they are, but instead spoke about how great they feel. Healthy choices didn't make me a size 0. What they did do was help me manage my anxiety, have more energy, and feel better about myself. I want to spend the next 4 and a half months feeling healthy and happy and not worrying about the number on the scale.