You shall go forth in joy and be led in peace.... Isaiah 55:12
Yesterday while driving to work I had a conversation with God. It went like this:
God: Why aren't you more joyful at this opportunity to be a mother?
Me: It isn't that I am not joyful, or thankful, I am just trying to be realistic. Ashley is technically our foster child and there are no guarantees that we will be able to adopt her. Also, her former foster parents struggled with some oppositional defiance and tantrums. What if those come up and they are more than we can handle? I just don't want to put all my eggs in one basket.
God: Love her as much as I love you.
Me: As much as you love me? As in no matter what, willing to die for, always there for, through thick and thin? I don't know if I am capable of that.
God: Love her as much as I love you and give her as much grace as I give you.
Me: Did you listen to my logical arguments as to why I can't give her my whole heart?
God: Love her as much as I love you and give her as much grace as I give you.
Me: But what if I get hurt? I don't know if I can handle that pain.
God: If you place your trust in me, I will handle it all for you. This isn't about you, think about how much that little girl has been hurt. She needs someone to love her and I have called you to do that. I will be there the whole time, and no matter what happens in the future, my love is enough to heal her hurts as well as yours, love her as much as I love you.
Me: (crying at this point) What if I can't love her? What if I mess up? What if I can't handle her behavior? What if I make a poor choice? How will this all effect my marriage? What if we weren't meant to be parents and that is why we never got pregnant? Was it really your plan to bring her here or did I just I pull a Sarah and force the situation? How will it ever work out?
God: Trust me, give me your fear, lean into my love and love her as I love you. I can take care of the rest. Go forth in joy and be led in peace.....
Me: Hey, wasn't that my devotion this morning.....so your saying I should joyously go forth and love this child with my whole heart while peacefully acknowledging no matter what happens you are in control and will be with us the whole way?
God: Yes.
Me: (Still Crying) I am idiot. Thank you for this miracle Lord, and help me to love her as you have loved me. Take all my fears and anxieties, I give our family's future to you Lord. I will go forth in joy and be led in peace. Thank you for loving me enough to hold me accountable.
It is amazing how our anxiety and fear can overwhelm us in what should be our most joyous moments. The fears I have are not that different than the fears of a bio mom, but I let them eat away at me all weekend long. My Mom loved me despite of the choices I made and her love has carried me through so many tough times. The best gift I can give to Ashley is to love her with my all heart. Whether she is here for six months or sixty years, I am counting on God to help me give her the best love possible.
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